Forkless was born a poor, black child in the lowlands west of Germany –which are not to be confused with the highlands west of Germany, where you can find all sorts of interesting people, such as:
Based on something that actually happened to Forkless
Anyway, being a poor, black child in the West German-adjacent-lowlands was not the easiest thing to be, especially during the Great Plaguepression of 1923 when World War Three was going on in Thighland (citation: Donald J. Trump), so Forkless decided to whitewash himself in the great tradition of Jesus Christ, and then travel forward, fully grown, into the 25th century where he was educated by robots and aliens, and then came back to the 21st century, with some minor stops to check out Punk and Line Dancing along the way.
Can you spot Forkless in the audience?
But how did Forkless travel in time? It’s been rumored that it involved an IBM 5150 computer and some microsingularities, but no one really knows. All we know is that he can dance a mean Macarena and looks bangin’ in a kilt.
Today, Forkless can occasionally be seen in the wild eviscerating conservatives by using facts.
Anything other supposed “truths” about Forkless are nothing but filthy, filthy lies.
ALAYNA: Hi, I’m Alayna! I exist only in the mind of some troll!
MARTIN: OMG! Me too! Let’s be best friends!
A: Okay! What shall we do today, bestie?
M: Let’s try to get into Walmart without a mask!
A: Let’s take our guns with us, too!
*CUT TO 20 MINUTES IN THE FUTURE*
NEWSCASTER: Two non-existent people have just been shot to death outside Walmart. The unknown woman is reported to have whispered “rosebud” before she succumbed to her wounds. The unknown man insisted that the world only existed inside a snowglobe, shouted “FREEZE PEACH”, and was then killed by friendly fire from the unknown woman.
THE GHOST OF ALAYNA: Spoiler: “Rosebud” is what I have tattooed over my taint.
THE GHOST OF MARTIN: No, that one says “NO REGRATS”.
We here at As the Disq Turns welcome contributions by new authors, such as this stunning work of fiction by Timmy “Spy” McBrain-Damage, titled “Avatar: The Budget Version” (soon to be a video on YouTube presented by a forehead and a bottle of mustard):
Wait, is “avatar coccyx” a sock or not? I’m so confused. Maybe it’ll be cleared up in the sequel.
So, “avatar coccyx” is a whole bunch of sock accounts and Disqus made the All Star program especially for her? I didn’t see that twist coming! It’s like Inception and shit!
Wow! What a nonstop thrill ride! I can’t wait for the Tony/Saeed homosexual subplot to develop!
Once upon a time, Little Lurker Gerald lurked somewhere he really, really wanted to be a part of, but where no one liked him so he couldn’t participate.
Yep, keep on using this gif I made, guys! Shows how much you adore me! XD
The reason no one liked him is because he was a pathetic piece of trash who spent all his time looking up women’s skirts and then pretending he was the one being harassed.
Poor Gerald, being harassed by the existence of all stars!
So he spent day after day tagging people from the rancid shitpile he lived in, trying to get attention, which made everyone laugh and laugh harder at his empty threats to call the authorities on them (considering he was a big ol’ stalker/harasser). Then those people blocked his dumb ass, kept writing hilarious stories, gathered screencaps of his stupidity from various contributors as they always have, and continued to live happily ever after.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a crazy old woman in possession of a trailer in Anderson, CA must be in want of meth.
“Perhaps if I tell Mr. Saeed, uh, I mean Mr. Paul, things he (and everyone in the known universe) already knows, he’ll finally take me out behind the woodshed and give me some meth! Or at least a deep dicking,” thought the crazy old woman.
“Mr. Paul! Mr. Paul!” she screamed, running after him down the cobblestone street, wearing her least tattered, least filthy, least odorous burlap sack, “Coccyx lives in GEORGIA!!”
“We’ve known that for years, you filthy crone! Away with you! I must get into the whore Eri’s pants forthwith! I hear she bathes at least once a month!” he replied, and scurried off with his hand down his trouser placquet.
With no meth, no dicking, and no prospects, the nameless old lady died penniless and unloved in the gutter.
ab·so·lu·tion /ˌabsəˈl(y)o͞oSH(ə)n/ noun formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment.
My dear friends, trolls, and inexplicable hangers-on,
I am here today to speak to you about absolution.
Yea, I’m talking about forgiveness for former Disqus sins, which I’ve probably forgotten the particulars of at this point or didn’t really give a fuck about beyond the point of “wow, this person’s a complete and utter idiot/asshole/psychopath – ban it, forget it exists, move the fuck on.” Well. unless you’re still keeping up your racist, sexist, attention whore-ist, generic moron-ist ways.
No matter how drunkenly and incoherently you randomly ask for absolution in the night for yourself or your buddies in the middle of completely unrelated conversations, I cannot and will not grant it. Especially when you’re obviously drunk. And it’s in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation. Not that I would anyway, BUT COME THE FUCK ON. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT? I must be mellowing in my old age because DAMN, I would have banned someone for that nonsense in the olden days.
So, my children, release yourself from your own burdens or just shut the fuck up. Your issues are not my problem.
Previously on Disqlandia, Little Red Riding hood twirled and “sang” (screeched) into Bleatington and was greeted with enthusiasm by that old witch who loved Red’s voice:
Meanwhile, Micromind had gotten tired of other people on soap boxes as he claimed he could be the only one on a soap box. He started lighting other peoples’ soap boxes on fire while yelling “Have it your way!
The people of Bleatington got off their soapboxes immediately and poured gasoline on the fire because that’s how they roll.
Things in Disqlandia were quiet and serene. It was a joyful week of laughter and fun. But the evil wizard of Daftsville was plotting and making plans for his little mechanical pigs and was putting them through rigorous training!
Elsewhere, a psychotic flamingo desperate for attention rented some land from that old witch so that he might capture people and hit them in the head with a croquet mallet Everyone looked at him and laughed.
As the smoke settled, the boy who cried wolf waltzed into Bleatington, stood on a burnt soap box and asked the crowd what a fantasy was as he had forgotten what those were like…
Micromind consumed the golden chickens… little did he know they were just spray painted gold and had no powers
Frustrated again he stood upon his soap box in Bleatingtons town square, now claiming he was a spokes person for Disqlandia and could invite people into others homes, unfortunately no one heard him as they too were on soap boxes shouting nonsense as they viewed their issues more important than the rest…
As the villagers of Bleatington stood upon their soapboxes a gnat began buzzing in their ears about the various issues in other parts of the kingdom but his buzzing only annoyed Bleatington…all of a sudden a gallant knight passing through on his way to bring peace and order to the kingdom stopped into Bleatington as he heard the commotion of the villagers and wanted to help…the knight tried reasoning with the villagers with logic.
Alas no one would listen as they were still busy cursing the sky. The gnat however was frustrated that he was getting no attention and buzzed in the face of the knight. “I have no loyalty to the kingdom nor Bleatington,” he buzzed repeatedly.
The knight wasn’t having that shit and the gnat was swatted and killed…no one cared.
At that point The knight did what any logical person would do mounted his horse and got out to hold onto his sanity.
Meanwhile while skipping through the woods little red riding hood heard the noises of Bleatington. She peaked around the trees and saw and heard the crappy fife playing and began to twirl. “That looks like fun!” She exclaimed! You see Little Red would sneak into others homes as well and sing random crappy songs and would be shown the door.
“Grandmas can wait!” she exclaimed as she used the excuse of going to grandma’s whenever she was shown the door as a cover for her bad behavior…she didn’t even know if grandma was even alive still.
Red frolicked her way into Bleatington to join the crappy fife players in song and dance.
Little did they all know the sky wasn’t happy with them for their continuous threats of taking down the stars and their weak ass attempts to pierce it with their pitchforks…
The people of Bleatington never grew tired. They whined and cried all day but made sure to console each other by stating…
Elsewhere…
On a farm a man went to collect his daily dose of knowledge from his informative and helpful golden chickens. When he went to the coup they were nowhere to be found… He too started yelling at the sky in vain.
The golden chickens had made their way to Bleatington as they sensed that many people there were ill informed and lost as the village of Bleatington continued throwing their pitchforks to the sky to make the stars fall…but their aim was terrible and started throwing them at each other causing mortal wounds.
Micromind gazed on the chickens with envy. He enticed them with his words. He claimed to be the leader of Bleatington and Promised the golden chickens he was just trying to make the world a better place.
Most of the chickens weren’t falling for that shit though and took on Micromind head on! They saw past his charm and promises and kicked his ass up and down the hills with their sincere help and knowledge.
Micromind ran like a little baby as he so often does back to the one place that listened to his stupid rants. he had even become a well known groupie for the crappy fife players!! The few golden chickens that decided to stick around Bleatington were making themselves at home and began spreading gossip and lies as they wanted to blend into their new digs…
Micromind then pounced and captured them. He roasted them and consumed them as he thought he would devour their knowledge and could fool the kingdom into allowing him back in.
In a far away place lived a happy kingdom with beautiful land, people, unicorns and shit. The people would play music and dance all day!
Then one day a troll came in. A big nasty one that called himself Micromind. He would eat children and brag to all about how he had a special way to get to the children that no one else had, but wouldn’t share how. All he had was a black van and some candy, and everyone knew this. So no one believed his story about being special. This made him angry.
Micromind claimed he knew magic and would entice the children by attempting to harness the elements of Earth,Wind and Fire. Some of the children followed blindly to his pseudo magic while others listened to their parents and stayed in their homes. Safe from Micromind as they had been protected by the sorceresses wands. This made Micromind very upset as he loved barging into people’s homes and stealing and eating their children.
Micromind was far too dumb to use real magic to face the sorceresses so he crossed the lands far and wide until he finally found a new home. The small town of Bleatington. A place of misfits that had been exiled by the sorceresses. The mayor of the town was an old witch nobody seemed to remember her name so they just addressed her as That Old Witch.
Micromind was enchanted by That Old Witches town and barged into squat as he did in most places he invaded. He would stand in the middle of the town and screech that he wanted Justice, even though he didn’t know what that word meant.
Micromind, frustrated with his pointless efforts to belong to Bleatington, screamed to the sky where he saw the stars. In his little way of thinking he ran to the town square and started shrieking that the sky needed to come down to take out the sorceresses as he believed that is where their power was from.
The people of Bleatington went about their business per usual as they had no idea what anything meant they just wanted to chat and play crappy songs on their fifes to each other as they were in fact exiled for being too annoying with their crappy fife playing…
That Old Witch just smiled and nodded to anything anyone said or played for that matter she had no fucking clue what was going on. So when Micromind suggested the stars to be taken from the sky the Old Witch agreed even though she didn’t know what Micromind was saying she was too busy dancing to the crappy fife playing…
Warning disturbing content please don’t read if you’re like Urnie JR Holliday and “trigger” easily.
Circa mid 1990s. He claims he let his only daughter be taken off by a cult. Most humans with a brain speculate it’s because his father Urnie Sr Holliday had molested him from when he was a child. It was a very sad circular case, Urnie Jr Holliday assumed that since gays are bad, he can’t be gay, but could easily be tempted to sexual thoughts and actions of his own little girl, so like God in the garden of eden he sent her away from his trashy trailer and let her fend for herself.
In the most astounding display of stupidity and lack of awareness, he and his wife he called “Fatty McPlumperson” took in his nephew, since gay is bad and he truly believed gay people were far worse than child molesters or rapists, he thought that would be enough to raise the boy right and not sexually molest him. He was heard yelling at his wife by the child supervision who dropped him off.. “Ginger McFatFace, no wonder you’re named after food, you’re fatter than a pregnant whale, and make me sick. Now go make me a sammich”
He was wrong. A month after endless temptations from and innocent 8 year old (as Urnie JR saw them, he he began molesting sexually the young man whose name is protected under law. The boy escaped, only to be found being cared for by a group of bears for almost an entire week.
The boy has attempted several times since his “rescue” or in North Korea they’d call it repatriation.
In an unprecedented decision, Judge “Pity MyF-ingpantsoff” called for the boy to remain with the bears where she felt his safety, mentality, physical well being, social surroundings, wit another dozen positive examples would far outweigh any chance he had at reconnecting with his uncle who will no doubt molest, and poison him again and force him to go to local lynchings with his KKK boss, toss Urnie’s wife “Ginger’s food on the ground with him to show him how real men treat their women, and continually torture the boy.
The judge also showed pity that a clan of bears was by all tokens FAR more safe to leave the boy with than any hillbilly, racist foster home which would be found in St Maries. Not only did the judge denounce severely the behavior of Urnie Jr Holliday, she sent for and brought up Urnie’s supposedly long, lost daughter, who once went by the married name Kimberly Reedy but has been forced by her father to retake the Holliday name..
The judge pointed out how Urnie Jr had been playing Russian Roullette with his own daughter by having her smuggle dangerous amounts of drugs for him. Despite her being an adult, due to the lack of his own child rearing, she is illiterate and can only speak remembered phrases of the bible. She did not know that trying to smuggle over a pound of heroin in every single one of her orifices, including her garishly large nose could result in imminent death.
Above is the rather hideous picture of his daughter Kimberly Reedy, the judge also chastised him for not even bothering to give his own daughter a ride to court. “Who the hell type of father encourages his daughter to smuggle so much heroin she has to have emergency treatment to save her own life, in order to keep his trashy trailer in the lap of luxury?!”
Fortunately for Urnie HOllliday Jr, both his grandsons are in the Washington County penitentiary for a myriad of serious. They both appear to be in gangs, with prison tattoos on one of their faces so they have a pen pal! Unfortunately for Urnie, he was arrested for child and wife abuse in Idaho.
He has requested visits with his nephew and his new home with with the bears, everyone involved, aside Urnie himself is hoping the visits will be approved, supervised and the bears will tear his face out.
oh, and Ferd! Happy Disquspocolypse. I’ll be here with more photos of your dear grandchildren and don’t worry, my house is secure, I’m glad you were doxxed and proved to be what you pretend other’s are. You pretend thin women are fat because your family is overweight, you pretend I have a large nose despite it being half the size of your drug smuggling mule of a daughter, you worry about black on black crime when you should be worried about Holliday on Holiday or Reeder on Reeder crime.
Stay out of my closet if your owns full of trash. .. hahaha.. I still have more info on you you creep. Now, if you’re not dead yet, maybe Bubba in the Idaho State Penitentiary will make a nice example out of you and a broom stick so you could warrant real sympath for once instead of having to make up stories so Disqus will reverse their universal decision to ban you a SECOND FREAKING TIME.
I’m proud to say the first time was due to me.. Well I didn’t get you banned, your constant harassment of me did. I guess making fun of victims of extremely violent crimes is not ok anywhere but Spokane, St Maries, and Boringtown Ohio where your idiot “gernilist” is wondering how he’s going to keep his career up without the ability to tag 100’s of people per day and plagiarize popular news articles.
Farewell you old idiot.After all you’ve done, threatened, etc to my friends and I, THIS is the perfect way to let you know I don’t fVck around and if you come to my home as you have threatened, you will find that so first hand it will make your head spin off, by my gun. hahahahahahah… mr perfect Ferd was arrested for grand theft auto back in the day, a dry drunk who hell, if you think he’s mean now.. WOW, should have seen him then.
At least I quit drinking cause it wasn’t helloing my grief over my dad, who actually raised me, not because everyone in your life wanted you out.. here’s a secret: they still do.
Once upon a time, poor little Mariam the Shitlover rolled around in her own shit and called it roses. She did it so often that no one paid attention to her. So, she complained about people using “bad words” and pretended she was a “good person” and called others “scum” while constantly posting pictures of Jo, pretending she didn’t know it was her, and being a complete asshole about it. Then, she obsessively followed the new As the Disq Turns, which she insisted was the most horrible thing in the whole world! So, when Disqus finally went kablooey, poor little Mary withered away like the pathetic piece of shit she is, but not before getting picked up by the trolland police for violating the restraining order that Jo put on her for being obsessed with her legs.
Then, an oaf called Communique didn’t understand the simple concept that people can change their display names without becoming different people, even though she had 100 different names for herself. She was so dumb that she managed to enrage someone even dumber than she is, Wishy the Tit-Fearer, so much that he doxxed the shit out of her while pretending to be the fair Princess Myte! So she put all her time and effort into obsessively copying and pasting a countdown clock from As the Disq Turns everywhere when she could just make one herself, the lazy cunt.
She had fake relationship after fake relationship with trolls Dirt Pile/Paul/[FILL IN FAKE “MALE” TROLL NAME HERE], the Justifiers of Drama, because she couldn’t hold down a job in the real world. Then, like clockwork, she’d get really upset when someone called her out on her bullshit and she’d make yet another new account that she would pretend wasn’t hers until she couldn’t stand not receiving the attention she really wanted. The countdown to her getting back with Jos, the Bald Mustardy Doxxer, the only one who could ever give her the constant attention she always wanted, begins now.
