Month: September 2019

And now…

As you know (because you had better have been following the As the Disq Turns saga up until now, you jerks), the Reverend Oral Subconscious was sad and lonely because the only people who would listen to his sermons were some IQ-challenged folks, Secret Agent 2 and his girlfriend Dandelion, who he met up with at the local “diner” for senior coffees every now and then.

Luckily for him (or so he thought), the local asylum decided that the inmates needed a little fear of God put into them, so they invited him in to deliver a sermon. Unfortunately, during a rather rousing portion in which the Reverend blathered on about evil gangs of women who “caroused and drank and made decisions for themselves – I mean, how dare they!” – Tex, who had been wheeled in on his Hannibal Lecter-like apparatus to listen, got a bit loud and ornery. This upset the Reverend, who hushed him and tried to remove Tex from the proceedings. Tex became enraged by this, broke free, and attempted to eat the Reverend’s face off. Luckily, he only got part of the reverend’s nose. It was really kind of an improvement.

Over on the other side of town, Professor Marvel’s long lost son, Dodo Shithole, who determined the Professor was his father after suing the local sperm bank for a DNA test, is looking through the charred remains of his father’s house to see if he can find anything of value. Lodged under a half-burned copy of “How To Be a Complete Failure Without Even Trying”, he finds a metal box that seems unharmed by the fire. With shaking hands, Dodo opens the box to find a giant vibrator and a note that reads, “I am so sorry I was mean to homosexuals and other people who enjoy anal sex. Damn, this thing felt really good up my ass. I’m just sorry I never had any children to share this with. Also, abortion is A-OK. Love, Professor Marvel.” Tears spring to Dodo’s eyes. “I had the bestest dad EVER and I’ll never get to meet him,” he thinks. He then takes the vibrator out of the box, hugs it as hard as he can, and cries for the father he’ll never know.

Little does Dodo know that Paul the Ambulance Chaser is lurking across the street with dollar signs in his eyes. That house explosion is a lawsuit waiting to happen! And it also doesn’t hurt that Darwin Hickey of the alien trio is also really hot and lives next door. There’s no law that says Paul can’t chat up a hottie while cashing in on someone’s pain, is there?https://lh3.googleuserconte…Meanwhile, the Golden Eggplant seems to have disappeared along with Limp Mongoose. Strangely enough, Limp Mongoose’s pants are still at the police station, but they’re now in the possession of some guy named Steve who insists that he’s a neurosurgeon but for some reason only has a bunch of cards that say he’s a Regional Sales Manager for a chicken feed company.

The plot thickens.

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A small group of renegade, shape-shifting aliens has escaped from their people and crash landed their ship on the outskirts of town, incidentally taking out a small marijuana farm and its owner who no one gave a shit about in the first place on the way. Although the aliens are concerned that their mothership will be searching for them in order to bring them to justice, the mothership, frankly, isn’t. As far as they’re concerned, Earth can have them. They were more trouble than they were worth.

The aliens learn to mimic our ways by watching the three reruns of Jesus’ talk show that air over and over again at 3am and repeating what they hear.

Then they take on human form. However, the names they choose for themselves, Darwin Hickey, Tealle Deare, and Clifford Wadsack, leave a little something to be desired. They all manage to get jobs in and around town, some near the asylum. The Homeless Queen of the Internet, who was remanded to the asylum’s custody the other week, is strangely affected by their proximity, and now has occasional fits of normalcy and clarity that confound the psychiatric staff. At this point, some of them are thinking it could be a miracle, or at least they would if the other inmates still weren’t as cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs as ever.

The Reverend Oral Subconscious has given up on Jesus’ talk show and has taken over Homeless’ old streetcorners in the hope that someone will still listen to his inane rambling. At least now he gets the occasional handful of change thrown at him by a poor soul with guilt issues so he can buy himself a cup of coffee at the local dive. Luckily for The Reverend, however, he has found some new people to exploit in Secret Agent 2 and Dandelion, who were heartbroken at both being unable to adopt their bedbugs and not being allowed back into the Cult because they were still too dumb by even Cult standards. Together, they hatch a plan to get back into the living rooms of the people by continuing to lie, cheat, defame, and be as stalkery, angry, and confrontational as possible. That’s bound to work, right?

Unfortunately, the Reverend has some competition – Paul the Ambulance Chaser. He recently left a law firm that he accused of being abusive, filled with drama, and guilty of many nefarious acts. He’s now started his own firm but doesn’t realize the time and energy it takes – you can’t be sitting at the bar all day discussing your sexual fantasies with random people.

So, Paul has taken the easy route. He’s now lowered himself to chasing ambulances looking for the low hanging fruit. On any given day, you can see him preaching on the opposite street corners to the Reverend, telling the world how he’s repented and changed his ways. You find him in back alleys telling the down trodden, “Rise up! Let you voices be heard!” You also find him in hanging around various meetings telling the participants that he feels their pain and if they visit his new firm, they will be treated with the utmost respect unlike the way he used to treat them at that other icky firm. Of course, what they don’t know is that no one forced him to do anything he didn’t want to do over there. Well, except ask him to tone it the fuck down once in a while.

Professor Marvel, enraged that people laughed at his last cardboard robot, built an even bigger cardboard robot with flashing lights and bells on it. Unfortunately, he forgot to unplug the lights when he went to bed and it caught on fire next to his extra large tub of flammable masturbation-aiding lubricant, blowing up his whole house with him in it. Fortunately, no one else was hurt.

Will we find out who fished the rare 8-inch bronze eggplant out of Limp Mongoose’s pants? Maybe! Tune in next time!

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In the asylum…

We find that Grandma Moses has only been pretending to take her medication, and has instead been slipping her pills to London Bridges on the sly. She now believes even more firmly that everyone in the world is fixated on her and her life and is out to get her. She keeps screaming a single word over and over again: “pets”. She’s moved to a cell far away from the other patients.

London Bridges, in her desperation to remain relevant to the plot, has taken the pills Grandma Moses has given her and has smuggled them out in order to exchange them for books on Psychiatry and Law, which she voraciously reads in order to try to sound convincing to visitors who don’t know any better. Unfortunately, the books she traded the pills for were on Freud and Maritime Law, so she sounds even more insane when she tries to explain how very sane she is to anyone who will listen. No one does.

Meanwhile, poor Tex sits alone and sad in his padded cell where no one talks to him anymore.

In the local jail…

The homeless Queen of the Internet has failed her psych evaluation and has been declared unfit to stand trial by reason of mental disease or defect. The main reason for this was that she tried to bite the judge’s nose off while screaming something about how she’s doing “really well” and has “many followers”. She is to be remanded into the custody of the asylum. Currently, she’s awaiting processing.

In the next cell, Limp Mongoose, who was arrested for attempting to smuggle a rare 8-inch bronze eggplant into the country in his underwear, notices that the crazy, homeless woman in the next cell has a birthmark that looks remarkably like the one on his thigh. Not that he was looking up her skirt. Okay, he was totally looking up her skirt. That’s how he rolls.

Love is in the air …

Secret Agent 2 has fallen for Dandelion, a woman with a lack of brain power equal to his. They met after being ejected from the Dumbfries/Extreme Cult for being too stupid to remember when and where to show up to their racist gatherings. Together, they move into a hovel where they’re immediately set upon by a infestation of teenage bedbugs that are overly fond of gangsta rap. They’d get rid of them, but they can’t read the instructions on the can of bedbug spray. After a few weeks, Secret Agent 2 and Dandelion decide they love these bedbugs so much, they’d like to legally adopt them. When they approach a lawyer about this and the lawyer laughs in their faces, they get so angry at not understanding the law that they beg to be let back into the Cult so they can bring down “The System”, even though they don’t know what “The System” actually is or how it works, because they haven’t bothered to read or understand the law.

Over at the television studio, the Reverend Oral Subconscious has found what he hopes to be a new pulpit over on Jesus’ talk show. He anxiously awaits his turn as Jesus interviews a local construction worker who was accusing her coworkers of inappropriate cone placement. The Reverend doesn’t get his chance to appear, though, because filming gets shut down early due to lack of interest on behalf of the audience. Not on behalf of Jesus and the construction worker, apparently, judging on what was going on between them in the green room afterward…

Elsewhere…

In a dark room, a man watches the screen on his phone. Suddenly, an image on the screen moves. He gets so angry, his head explodes. No one cares.

This time on As the Disq Turns…

In the asylum, Grandma Moses has gotten hold of some crayons and is writing what, in her mind, is a very important philosophical treatise on the walls of her room. To everyone else, it just looks like gibberish. The doctor tries to get her to confront her issues to no avail.

Feeling ignored, London Bridges has found a way to sneak into Tex’s padded cell and they’ve managed to get it on without the guards noticing, probably because the lubrication from Tex’s drool drowns out most of the flesh-on-flesh slapping noises.

The Reverend Oral Subconscious, disillusioned about the failure of his “ingenious” master plan to get Professor Marvel’s robot to allow him to proselytize in every house in the world, has taken up drinking. Well, more than usual, anyway. After getting kicked out of his third bar for the evening, he wanders into a local comedy club and somehow ends up on stage, where he’s booed mercilessly while attempting and failing to tell a simple knock knock joke. Enraged, the Reverend then attempts to call security on the audience for not appreciating his greatness. Security laughs at him and throws him out into the alley.

Across the globe, the world’s dumbest Secret Agent (who was previously shot and killed by the KGB) has now been successfully cloned into adult form by their scientists in an underground laboratory. Unfortunately, his brain capacity is even less than it was before. The KGB scientists attempted to potty train Secret Agent 2, as he is now called, with little success. In fact, attempts at getting any useful information or logical thought out of him has proved impossible. Feeling sorry for the poor, dumb soul, one of the scientists smuggles him out of the laboratory and leaves him to fend for himself out on the streets. He is immediately recruited by a small doomsday cult run by Mrs. Dumbfries, an ex-crack whore with a deep, dark secret, and Mr. Extreme, a mysterious hooded figure with a fondness for cigars. Mrs. Dumbfries, Mr. Extreme, and their cult members believe that the end of days will be brought about when people start treating each other with respect and decency. So they go out in public and be as racist, sexist, and moronic as possible, and then wonder why they get beaten up and arrested on a daily basis. But since the world hasn’t ended yet, they believe their efforts haven’t been in vain.

Meanwhile, Jesus isn’t having much luck connecting with the common folk, so he decides to make his talk show a little less “News” and a little more “Jerry Springer”.

The homeless Queen of the Internet, after attacking a local businessman for “downvoting her in spirit”, whatever that means, has been taken to await psychiatric evaluation to see if she can withstand trial.

In a bizarre twist of fate, Limp Mongoose has just found out that his Mom’s basement isn’t his Mom’s basement at all! He was adopted as a baby when an unidentified woman left him wrapped in newspaper in front of the local Tits ‘R Us. But perhaps that crown-shaped birthmark on his thigh will lead him to his birth mother…

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The entire world learns that Grandma Moses can’t read after a police officer pulls her over and asks her what the speed limit is when the sign is right in front of her and the exchange is caught on video by some well-meaning passers-by. Grandma Moses is so angered by this, she threatens to start a letter writing campaign. Unfortunately, she can’t read the address to send the letters to, and they all end up at the dead letter office.

Elsewhere, the world’s dumbest Secret Agent is caught when he uses his real name on his travel documents. He insists he’s innocent of all wrongdoing, yet refuses to give actual information about a supposed sleeper agent he purports to know personally, instead saying, “Tee hee! I know exactly who he is, tee hee!” He gets shot by the KGB who are too tired to put up with his shit.

Meanwhile, the good Reverend Oral Subconscious keeps trying to convert people to his flock. Unfortunately, he is far too lazy to open his own tent revival, so he keeps sneaking into random peoples’ houses to hold his sermons and getting ejected. He doesn’t seem to understand why this keeps happening. It makes him so very, very angry!

And finally, some crazy woman stands on a streetcorner and yells about how she invented the internet. No one pays attention.

Join us next time on As the Disq Turns!