This time on As the Disq Turns…

Even though Grandma Moses was given a slap on the wrist by the police and was released on her own recognizance, she was so traumatized by the incident in our last episode that she decides to stand in the town square and accuse random passers-by of plotting against her. Of course, the random passers-by have no clue what they’re being accused of and ignore her, inciting her anger even further. In fit of rage, she attempts to set a local shop on fire while yelling something about “evil pets”. She is immediately taken to the local asylum, where she’s placed in a ward with the other paranoid delusional patients.

She quickly befriends London Bridges, a patient who believes she’s a psychiatrist who’s being held there against her will by the same forces that have entrapped Grandma Moses. Little does Grandma Moses know that London is just a clerk who worked at the local Circle-K, where she liked to drown rats in the ICEE machine for fun.

Her other bestie in the joint is Tex, who thinks he’s a cowboy, spends all day in a straitjacket, and drools on himself.

Across town, the good Reverend Oral Subconscious, lonely because he’s been kicked out of too many houses he was never invited into in the first place, has been visiting a psychic. Professor Marvel, as the psychic likes to call himself, has been slowly bamboozling the Reverend out of all of his money by purporting to be able to provide “super secret information” on his enemies by using a robot he built himself. Unfortunately for the Reverend, the information the Professor provides is what’s already available to anyone who wants to bother to look for it and the “robot” is merely a cardboard cutout through which the Professor throws his own voice. The Reverend, however, parts with his money and personal information with a smile on his face, happy in the vain prospect of one day being able to again force his bullshit on a bunch of people who give no fucks whatsoever.

The homeless woman who believes she invented the internet is still screeching on her streetcorner and insisting that she’s Queen of the World. In her shopping cart, under the crumpled newspapers, is an old photo — it’s of her and her long-lost twin sister, Grandma Moses, and their pet pig, Chevy. Neither of them know the other is alive. As children, they were separated by an evil drug cartel. Chevy was forced to make neverending, pointless remarks in response to normal conversations until he was eventually shot and cooked for breakfast.

Up in heaven, Jesus looks down on all of this and is sad. He decides to dress down and go forth and interview the common folk for a while on Earth. Little does he realize this is much more difficult and annoying than it looks.

Meanwhile, in his mother’s nondescript basement plastered with girly pics on the walls, Limp Mongoose plots his revenge against the person or persons responsible for killing the world’s dumbest Secret Agent, as soon as he can figure out who did it.

Tune in next time to find out what happens on As the Disq Turns! Brought to you by NUKEM!

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