In addition:
And, in conclusion:
Stop crying. It’s okay not to be able to post here, really.**
**DISCLAIMER: Nᴏᴛ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴀʙʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴘᴏsᴛ ᴏɴ AᴛDT ᴍᴀʏ ᴄᴀᴜsᴇ sᴇᴠᴇʀᴇ ʙᴜᴛᴛʜᴜʀᴛ, ᴇxᴄᴇssɪᴠᴇ ᴛᴀɢɢɪɴɢ, ᴀɴᴅ ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ᴅɪᴘsʜɪᴛᴛᴇʀʏ. Dᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ɢᴇᴛ ʙᴀɴɴᴇᴅ ᴡɪᴛʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴀᴅᴜʟᴛ sᴜᴘᴇʀᴠɪsɪᴏɴ. Iғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴀɴ ᴀᴅᴜʟᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀʀᴇ sᴛɪʟʟ ʙᴇɢɢɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀʟʟᴏᴡᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴘᴏsᴛ ʜᴇʀᴇ, ғᴏʀ ғᴜᴄᴋ’s sᴀᴋᴇ, ɢʀᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴇ ғᴜᴄᴋ ᴜᴘ ᴀɴᴅ sᴛᴏᴘ ᴡʜɪɴɪɴɢ.
ALAYNA: Hi, I’m Alayna! I exist only in the mind of some troll!
MARTIN: OMG! Me too! Let’s be best friends!
A: Okay! What shall we do today, bestie?
M: Let’s try to get into Walmart without a mask!
A: Let’s take our guns with us, too!
*CUT TO 20 MINUTES IN THE FUTURE*
NEWSCASTER: Two non-existent people have just been shot to death outside Walmart. The unknown woman is reported to have whispered “rosebud” before she succumbed to her wounds. The unknown man insisted that the world only existed inside a snowglobe, shouted “FREEZE PEACH”, and was then killed by friendly fire from the unknown woman.
THE GHOST OF ALAYNA: Spoiler: “Rosebud” is what I have tattooed over my taint.
THE GHOST OF MARTIN: No, that one says “NO REGRATS”.
THE GHOST OF ALAYNA: Shit.
Looks like everyone’s favorite “self-published” Kindle “book” is getting a sequel!
In Succubus 2: The Hydroxycholoroquine Factor, a new character, Dr. (I’m not a real doctor, I have a degree from a Cracker Jack box … in Science!) Stella Immanuel attempts to cure people of Succubus possession by using a drug she found for 5 for $1 at her local dollar store. Oh, and prayer. Don’t forget prayer!
Russian bot Facebook posters and the current president of the United States think this book will be a big hit! Buy it today!
People (especially those who look like Jeffrey Epstein post mortem) seem to be having difficulty understanding how NOT to get featured on As the Disq Turns. It’s very simple:
Especially don’t threaten to shut a forum down for the hundred millionth time, while then contradicting yourself saying you really don’t want to shut it down, while it’s obvious that you really, really do … not that it will ever happen!
Steps you can take to stop being a fucking asshole include:
Hope that helps! If you need more information about how to stop being an asshole, click here.
As the Disq Turns – we’re here to help make you better people. ™
The Great Outdoorsman has banned our own Leslie Lannister!
For those unfamiliar, TGO is a forum filled with pre-pubescent boys talking about assblasting, shitting, and necrophilia.
But why was Leslie banned? Was someone offended on behalf of Yoko Ono?
But wait! What is this about?
Is there some kind of strange love triangle here between Leslie, One Mat Gang (now “Gone”), and Bulginganus? Is someone jealous?
Will we ever know the full story? Stay tuned!
It’s only taken 5 years, but a few of the usual suspects have finally realized why As the Disq Turns exists (even though it’s always said why in the description).
Good job, guys!
Don’t worry, we promise to ease you into the purpose of The Onion so you don’t hurt yourselves!
We here at As the Disq Turns like to keep our content fresh and highly intellectual, so we’ve decided to add a new Book Review segment. Enjoy!
“Lemons Aren’t The Only Fruit – Or Are They Minerals?” by Morel “Joe” Mahoney
Winner of the Karen Prize for dumbest fiction, Lemons Aren’t The Only Fruit – Or Are They Minerals? is a coming-out novel from Morel “Joe” Mahoney, the acclaimed author of “Speling is for Loosers” and “The Plagiarized Autobiography of a Fake Journalist”. The protagonist, Joe, is a racist and sexist old man who is so divorced from reality the doesn’t know that lemons are fruit, but fancies himself to be a journalist of great stature, and pretends he gets paid to write plagiarized, un-proofread blog posts on the internet. He never comes to terms with his preference for man-bras, while insisting he was once an actual police officer. There is no moral journey for Joe; he never understands what an abject failure he is.
Grade: F-. Amazon really needs to stop letting any idiot sell shit for Kindle
In an amazing turn of events, drug maker Pfizer (known mainly for Pro-Exit) has determined that masks protect users from 5G frequencies. An official announcement is expected later today.
Public reaction has been highly favorable:
“I used to make up stories about how masks were bad for you because I’m a complete moron, but now that I know that they’ll protect me from 5G, I’ll wear a whole shipload,” said an anonymous source.
“This is the bigliest news ever! Bow down to me for stopping both COVID and 5G in their tracks! It’s a great day for Russia!” said President Trump.
You can tune into the upcoming news conference here.
The reviews keep coming in! FLAGGED! The Musical is a huge hit!
FLAGGED! The musical is the story of Whiny Bitch and his cronies, who are flagged by a figment of their imagination they call “FLAGGED!”. It stars a mirror as “FLAGGED!”, Gerald as “Whiny Bitch”, Desert Woman as “Fake Jew”, and Geezus as “A Sad Sock Account with Mommy Issues”.
FLAGGED! The Musical is fucking hilarious! I laughed, I laughed some more, and then I peed a little!
-As the Disq Turns
FLAGGED! The Musical is tour-de-force! The fact that’s it’s based on a true story is insane! I hope those people got the help they need. (It’s still funny, though!)
-The Random Disqus Observer
YOU’RE FULL OF SHIP. THIS IS A SHIPFEST! IMMA SUE!
-Gerald
Get your tickets to FLAGGED! The Musical today!
So, you’ve been “banned” from posting somewhere you never wanted to post anyway. How can you survive this affront?
Step 1: Laugh your fucking ass off
There’s nothing funnier than some troll thinking being “banned” from their site, where you’ve never posted or wanted to post, is “punishment”.
Step 2: Laugh even harder
Okay, maybe there’s one thing funnier – watching the same troll whine and cry about being downvoted and flagged by you, when you’ve never flagged or downvoted its dumb ass
Step 3: Donate to AtDT
AtDT is here to make it easy for you to laugh at trolls. Show us some love! (And it will really piss them off, too.)
AtDT’s new look is a hit! The riff-raff are falling over themselves to get in, and they’re so persistent!
They just can’t stop gushing about us!
It’s only been 3 or so days since we moved here, and even trolls from as close as Anderson, CA and as far as Tel Aviv are desperate for entry!
Thanks for making AtDT what it is today!
(Sorry, guys, you’re still not cool enough to come into The Clubhouse, though. I hear the Burger King’s open late – try there.)
