Today in Alternate History
Today in Alternate History, the song Jolene was actually written in the 19th century by Giuseppe Verdi. It was originally in Italian and it was a sad story about how his cat got kidnapped by aliens.
This has been Today in Alternate History.
Don’t forget the AtDT Store Sale! Thru 11/11!
Everything in the AtDT Store’s 35% off from November 8th – 11th! So you can get that G6 mug you’ve always wanted while feeling better about offsetting Teepublic’s ridiculous shipping fees and annoying those trolls!
Our bestsellers will still be available, including everyone’s latest fave:
Plus a couple of new offerings:
Get them before they’re supposedly going to be “removed” because some felon is going to hire an internet lawyer when the bullshit countdown expires! Thank goodness I’ve got Harvey on my side! And on my front, too, thanks to the AtDT Store!
For sale now and in perpetuity:Available in hoodies, stickers, mugs, pillows, pins, tapestries, etc!!
In case you can’t read it, here it is in non-sale form:
This one’s going to be my best seller, I can feel it!
I’m thinking this will be my next design:
What do you think, guys?
EDITED TO ADD:
It seems as though certain people (Jaye – how dare you!) think my shop is fake. It’s totes real and trolls and fans alike should buy all my shit!
Here are some new items just for you guys!
Of course, all the old favorites are still available. I’m also taking suggestions for new items in the comments below! Hugs & kisses!
From the ATDT archives. Originally posted May 2016
You may not know this, but I, one of your lovely moderators here on As the Disq Turns, used to be the headmistress of Miss Coccyx’s Flop House and School for Burgeoning Internet Attention Whores. I’ve seen a lot of attention whores come and go and can spot one from a mile away. And boy, have I seen some lame attempts at attention-whoring on Disqus as of late, and I must say that UR DOIN IT RONG. So here are some tips for you n00bs:
Tip One: Be less obvious with your stalkery behavior. When you blatantly follow people around and act like a fucking troll, you’re giving the game away. You’ve got to ease into that shit, son! You want people to believe in you! It’s like method acting. Watch some Daniel Day Lewis movies or some shit for a while. Learn from a master.
In short: Be subtler.
Tip Two: Don’t start spouting conspiracy theories left and right about how everyone is trolling you and how you’re being targeted by the “man” and whatnot when you’re doing the trolling and acting a fool etc. You know why? Because everyone who’s not a troll or a paranoid freak knows that you’re the problem. Sure, you’ll have some support from other attention whores, wackos, and people who don’t know any better (until they get to know you in about 5 minutes) but what does that get you? It gets you banned from all the decent places and then you end up in your own echo chambers where you grow more and more insane. That and 10 cents might buy you a senior coffee at Burger King. And that’s not getting you the attention you really want from the people you so desperately want it from. So sorry Carrie, you were only invited to the prom on a pity date. 🙁
In short: Be funnier.
Tip Three: If you threaten to leave if you don’t get X amount of upvotes or just in general, then actually leave. Delete your account. Just changing your account name to “INACTIVE ACCOUNT” just makes you look like a dumbass. Because if no one met your demands, obviously your attention whoring failed spectacularly.
In short: Don’t be full of shit.
Hope that helps!
We haven’t had a new quiz in a while, so here you go!
Once upon a time, Little Lurker Gerald lurked somewhere he really, really wanted to be a part of, but where no one liked him so he couldn’t participate.
Yep, keep on using this gif I made, guys! Shows how much you adore me! XD
The reason no one liked him is because he was a pathetic piece of trash who spent all his time looking up women’s skirts and then pretending he was the one being harassed.
Poor Gerald, being harassed by the existence of all stars!
So he spent day after day tagging people from the rancid shitpile he lived in, trying to get attention, which made everyone laugh and laugh harder at his empty threats to call the authorities on them (considering he was a big ol’ stalker/harasser). Then those people blocked his dumb ass, kept writing hilarious stories, gathered screencaps of his stupidity from various contributors as they always have, and continued to live happily ever after.
The end.
In an attempt to give our haters a voice, we here at ATDT have decided to start a new section called “Whiner’s Voices”, in which we ask a question and let our most vocal whiners answer it.
Question: Why do you keep visiting As the Disq Turns if you hate it so much? Answers:
What should we ask our fans next time? Let us know!
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a crazy old woman in possession of a trailer in Anderson, CA must be in want of meth.
“Perhaps if I tell Mr. Saeed, uh, I mean Mr. Paul, things he (and everyone in the known universe) already knows, he’ll finally take me out behind the woodshed and give me some meth! Or at least a deep dicking,” thought the crazy old woman.
“Mr. Paul! Mr. Paul!” she screamed, running after him down the cobblestone street, wearing her least tattered, least filthy, least odorous burlap sack, “Coccyx lives in GEORGIA!!”
“We’ve known that for years, you filthy crone! Away with you! I must get into the whore Eri’s pants forthwith! I hear she bathes at least once a month!” he replied, and scurried off with his hand down his trouser placquet.
With no meth, no dicking, and no prospects, the nameless old lady died penniless and unloved in the gutter.
The end.
This week’s topic: Absolution
ab·so·lu·tion /ˌabsəˈl(y)o͞oSH(ə)n/ noun formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment.
My dear friends, trolls, and inexplicable hangers-on,
I am here today to speak to you about absolution.
Yea, I’m talking about forgiveness for former Disqus sins, which I’ve probably forgotten the particulars of at this point or didn’t really give a fuck about beyond the point of “wow, this person’s a complete and utter idiot/asshole/psychopath – ban it, forget it exists, move the fuck on.” Well. unless you’re still keeping up your racist, sexist, attention whore-ist, generic moron-ist ways.
No matter how drunkenly and incoherently you randomly ask for absolution in the night for yourself or your buddies in the middle of completely unrelated conversations, I cannot and will not grant it. Especially when you’re obviously drunk. And it’s in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation. Not that I would anyway, BUT COME THE FUCK ON. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT? I must be mellowing in my old age because DAMN, I would have banned someone for that nonsense in the olden days.
So, my children, release yourself from your own burdens or just shut the fuck up. Your issues are not my problem.
Meanwhile, in some alternate reality…
Mahatmashitbag presents (to himself, apparently) an alternate history of Disqus, rife with leftist conspiracies!
Then, some gumby* attempts to rewrite the bit about how shitbag’s myriad of socks were spammed — PROTIP: It was solely because he’s a spammer who tagged people incessantly and HAD A SHITLOAD OF SOCK ACCOUNTS:
Not this kind, to be clear:
Oh, and by the way, PUD is short for PUDENDUM. Hope that helps!
Then, we have the most aptly self-named commenter, chillin’ in her own backwoods shed of conspiracy and crazy ass meth fever dreams:
Wut?
Wut part 2?
(By the way, Granny, thanks for being the 3rd most prolific ATDT site visitor even though you pretend you never come over here! Your hits make me the big $$$$!
I must have missed the part where any Disqus employee made any of my channels popular. Nice try, though! XD)
And finally, we have the Queen of Denial
…still pretending she didn’t help her boyfriend dox pretty much everyone on her shitty blogs. You can pretend that never happened all you like, you piece of shit, but that’s not reality.
Signing off from the alternate Disqus universe!
That’s right, AtDTers! Everyone’s favorite agony aunt is back to answer your [mainly rhetorical] questions about stuff and things!
Dear Aunt Coccyx:
What’s an agony aunt?
–Loser in Lambeth Loser:
It’s who your parents go to see for some discipline because they’re sick of hearing you touch yourself all day in their basement while whining about this website. Get a fucking job.
XOXO,
Coccyx
Dear Aunt Coccyx:
Why do I constantly visit your site when all I do is complain about you?
–Asinine in Anderson
Asinine:
Senility? Meth? Methnility? Take up knitting or something. Jesus fucking christ.
XOXO,
Coccyx
Dear Aunt Coccyx:
Why am I such a piece of human trash?
–Crusty in Camberwell
Crusty:
Genetics.
XOXO,
Coccyx
Do you have a question for Aunt Coccyx?
Write to:
Dear Aunt Coccyx
c/o As the Disq Turns
4900 John McCormack Rd NE,
Washington, DC 2001