As the Disq Turns

Month: October 2019

  • Proper Disqus Attention-Whoring Etiquette, A Short Primer

    Proper Disqus Attention-Whoring Etiquette, A Short Primer

    From the ATDT archives. Originally posted May 2016

    You may not know this, but I, one of your lovely moderators here on As the Disq Turns, used to be the headmistress of Miss Coccyx’s Flop House and School for Burgeoning Internet Attention Whores. I’ve seen a lot of attention whores come and go and can spot one from a mile away. And boy, have I seen some lame attempts at attention-whoring on Disqus as of late, and I must say that UR DOIN IT RONG. So here are some tips for you n00bs:

    Tip One: Be less obvious with your stalkery behavior. When you blatantly follow people around and act like a fucking troll, you’re giving the game away. You’ve got to ease into that shit, son! You want people to believe in you! It’s like method acting. Watch some Daniel Day Lewis movies or some shit for a while. Learn from a master.

    In short: Be subtler.

    Tip Two: Don’t start spouting conspiracy theories left and right about how everyone is trolling you and how you’re being targeted by the “man” and whatnot when you’re doing the trolling and acting a fool etc. You know why? Because everyone who’s not a troll or a paranoid freak knows that you’re the problem. Sure, you’ll have some support from other attention whores, wackos, and people who don’t know any better (until they get to know you in about 5 minutes) but what does that get you? It gets you banned from all the decent places and then you end up in your own echo chambers where you grow more and more insane. That and 10 cents might buy you a senior coffee at Burger King. And that’s not getting you the attention you really want from the people you so desperately want it from. So sorry Carrie, you were only invited to the prom on a pity date. 🙁

    In short: Be funnier.

    Tip Three: If you threaten to leave if you don’t get X amount of upvotes or just in general, then actually leave. Delete your account. Just changing your account name to “INACTIVE ACCOUNT” just makes you look like a dumbass. Because if no one met your demands, obviously your attention whoring failed spectacularly.

    In short: Don’t be full of shit.

    Hope that helps!

  • It’s Quiz Time!

    We haven’t had a new quiz in a while, so here you go!

  • The Story of Little Lurker Gerald

    The Story of Little Lurker Gerald

    Once upon a time, Little Lurker Gerald lurked somewhere he really, really wanted to be a part of, but where no one liked him so he couldn’t participate.

    Yep, keep on using this gif I made, guys! Shows how much you adore me! XD

    The reason no one liked him is because he was a pathetic piece of trash who spent all his time looking up women’s skirts and then pretending he was the one being harassed.

    Poor Gerald, being harassed by the existence of all stars!

    So he spent day after day tagging people from the rancid shitpile he lived in, trying to get attention, which made everyone laugh and laugh harder at his empty threats to call the authorities on them (considering he was a big ol’ stalker/harasser). Then those people blocked his dumb ass, kept writing hilarious stories, gathered screencaps of his stupidity from various contributors as they always have, and continued to live happily ever after.

    The end.

  • Whiner’s Voices

    Whiner’s Voices

    In an attempt to give our haters a voice, we here at ATDT have decided to start a new section called “Whiner’s Voices”, in which we ask a question and let our most vocal whiners answer it.

    Question: Why do you keep visiting As the Disq Turns if you hate it so much? Answers:

    What should we ask our fans next time? Let us know!

  • Meth & Methnility

    It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a crazy old woman in possession of a trailer in Anderson, CA must be in want of meth.

    “Perhaps if I tell Mr. Saeed, uh, I mean Mr. Paul, things he (and everyone in the known universe) already knows, he’ll finally take me out behind the woodshed and give me some meth! Or at least a deep dicking,” thought the crazy old woman.

    “Mr. Paul! Mr. Paul!” she screamed, running after him down the cobblestone street, wearing her least tattered, least filthy, least odorous burlap sack, “Coccyx lives in GEORGIA!!”

    “We’ve known that for years, you filthy crone! Away with you! I must get into the whore Eri’s pants forthwith! I hear she bathes at least once a month!” he replied, and scurried off with his hand down his trouser placquet.

    With no meth, no dicking, and no prospects, the nameless old lady died penniless and unloved in the gutter.

    The end.

  • Coccyx’s Sunday Sermon

    Coccyx’s Sunday Sermon

    This week’s topic: Absolution

    ab·so·lu·tion /ˌabsəˈl(y)o͞oSH(ə)n/ noun formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment.

    My dear friends, trolls, and inexplicable hangers-on,

    I am here today to speak to you about absolution.

    Yea, I’m talking about forgiveness for former Disqus sins, which I’ve probably forgotten the particulars of at this point or didn’t really give a fuck about beyond the point of “wow, this person’s a complete and utter idiot/asshole/psychopath – ban it, forget it exists, move the fuck on.” Well. unless you’re still keeping up your racist, sexist, attention whore-ist, generic moron-ist ways.

    No matter how drunkenly and incoherently you randomly ask for absolution in the night for yourself or your buddies in the middle of completely unrelated conversations, I cannot and will not grant it. Especially when you’re obviously drunk. And it’s in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation. Not that I would anyway, BUT COME THE FUCK ON. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT? I must be mellowing in my old age because DAMN, I would have banned someone for that nonsense in the olden days.

    So, my children, release yourself from your own burdens or just shut the fuck up. Your issues are not my problem.

  • The Dregs of Disqus Roundup – Alternate Reality Edition

    The Dregs of Disqus Roundup – Alternate Reality Edition

    Meanwhile, in some alternate reality…

    Mahatmashitbag presents (to himself, apparently) an alternate history of Disqus, rife with leftist conspiracies!

    Then, some gumby* attempts to rewrite the bit about how shitbag’s myriad of socks were spammed — PROTIP: It was solely because he’s a spammer who tagged people incessantly and HAD A SHITLOAD OF SOCK ACCOUNTS:

    Not this kind, to be clear:

    Oh, and by the way, PUD is short for PUDENDUM. Hope that helps!

    Then, we have the most aptly self-named commenter, chillin’ in her own backwoods shed of conspiracy and crazy ass meth fever dreams:

    Wut?

    Wut part 2?

    (By the way, Granny, thanks for being the 3rd most prolific ATDT site visitor even though you pretend you never come over here! Your hits make me the big $$$$!

    I must have missed the part where any Disqus employee made any of my channels popular. Nice try, though! XD)

    And finally, we have the Queen of Denial

    …still pretending she didn’t help her boyfriend dox pretty much everyone on her shitty blogs. You can pretend that never happened all you like, you piece of shit, but that’s not reality.

    Signing off from the alternate Disqus universe!

  • Ask Aunt Coccyx

    Ask Aunt Coccyx

    That’s right, AtDTers! Everyone’s favorite agony aunt is back to answer your [mainly rhetorical] questions about stuff and things!

    Dear Aunt Coccyx:

    What’s an agony aunt?
    –Loser in Lambeth Loser:

    It’s who your parents go to see for some discipline because they’re sick of hearing you touch yourself all day in their basement while whining about this website. Get a fucking job.

    XOXO,
    Coccyx

    Dear Aunt Coccyx:

    Why do I constantly visit your site when all I do is complain about you?
    –Asinine in Anderson

    Asinine:

    Senility? Meth? Methnility? Take up knitting or something. Jesus fucking christ.

    XOXO,
    Coccyx

    Dear Aunt Coccyx:

    Why am I such a piece of human trash?
    –Crusty in Camberwell

    Crusty:

    Genetics.

    XOXO,
    Coccyx

    Do you have a question for Aunt Coccyx?

    Write to:

    Dear Aunt Coccyx
    c/o As the Disq Turns
    4900 John McCormack Rd NE,
    Washington, DC 2001

  • Disqlandia Part 4

    Disqlandia Part 4

    Previously on Disqlandia, Little Red Riding hood twirled and “sang” (screeched) into Bleatington and was greeted with enthusiasm by that old witch who loved Red’s voice:

    Meanwhile, Micromind had gotten tired of other people on soap boxes as he claimed he could be the only one on a soap box. He started lighting other peoples’ soap boxes on fire while yelling “Have it your way!

    The people of Bleatington got off their soapboxes immediately and poured gasoline on the fire because that’s how they roll.

    Things in Disqlandia were quiet and serene. It was a joyful week of laughter and fun. But the evil wizard of Daftsville was plotting and making plans for his little mechanical pigs and was putting them through rigorous training!

    Elsewhere, a psychotic flamingo desperate for attention rented some land from that old witch so that he might capture people and hit them in the head with a croquet mallet Everyone looked at him and laughed.

    As the smoke settled, the boy who cried wolf waltzed into Bleatington, stood on a burnt soap box and asked the crowd what a fantasy was as he had forgotten what those were like…

    Stay tuned for the next episode of Disqlandia

  • Are you still obsessed with As the Disq Turns?

    Are you still obsessed with As the Disq Turns?

    You can now share your obsession with As the Disq Turns with the whole world by purchasing real life AtDT swag! That’s right! You can rub a piece of AtDT against your body in the privacy of your own basement dwelling!

    Have you been obsessively whining about everything that happens on this channel since channel creation began on Disqus? Are you still whining even though channels are gone? Then buy yourself one of these, and own your whiny nostalgia forever!

    The ATDT Classic T-Shirt, perfect for wiping the drool off your chin with after falling asleep while trying to update your VPN

    Are you still butthurt that I banned you? Are you upset that I banned you again because you thought that with a whole new website we’d all be best buds even though you’re still a piece of shit? Well, this one’s for you!
    Our best seller!

    Are you bitter that the little emoji stars didn’t magically disappear (yet)? Well, you can pretend you have one with one of these bad boys!
    It’s true!

    Make sure to carry the tote with you at all times and get yourself the pillow to fondle in the privacy of your own bedroom!

    Make sure to bookmark https://www.teepublic.com/user/asthedisqturns to obsessively check for new and exciting designs and whine about them!

  • NEWSFLASH: Worst Disqus “volunteer” admits Disqus purposely encourages trolling

    NEWSFLASH: Worst Disqus “volunteer” admits Disqus purposely encourages trolling

    That’s right, folks! Here it is in black and white:

    Does it, now? Huh.
    I beg to differ, dumbass

    But wait! There’s more idiotsplaining! Something about Fortnite! And real names (which no one uses and we can still have ONLY ONE FUCKING USERNAME ON DISQUS THAT’S NOT OUR REAL NAME, it’s not hard, vuppster!)

    And? Who cares. It’s not like real sites use Disqus anyway.

    And now he’s getting upset. Poor dear.

    Um, where? Funny he’s not linking to the ‘PLEASE MAKE SOCK AND BOT ACCOUNTS AND UPVOTE YOURSELVES SILLY’ help section to prove his point, innit? Oh wait

    The important question:
    Is he drunk or is he high? You decide.

  • Disqlandia Part 3

    Disqlandia Part 3

    Previously on Disqlandia

    Micromind consumed the golden chickens… little did he know they were just spray painted gold and had no powers

    Frustrated again he stood upon his soap box in Bleatingtons town square, now claiming he was a spokes person for Disqlandia and could invite people into others homes, unfortunately no one heard him as they too were on soap boxes shouting nonsense as they viewed their issues more important than the rest…

    As the villagers of Bleatington stood upon their soapboxes a gnat began buzzing in their ears about the various issues in other parts of the kingdom but his buzzing only annoyed Bleatington…all of a sudden a gallant knight passing through on his way to bring peace and order to the kingdom stopped into Bleatington as he heard the commotion of the villagers and wanted to help…the knight tried reasoning with the villagers with logic.

    Alas no one would listen as they were still busy cursing the sky. The gnat however was frustrated that he was getting no attention and buzzed in the face of the knight. “I have no loyalty to the kingdom nor Bleatington,” he buzzed repeatedly.

    The knight wasn’t having that shit and the gnat was swatted and killed…no one cared.

    At that point The knight did what any logical person would do mounted his horse and got out to hold onto his sanity.

    Meanwhile while skipping through the woods little red riding hood heard the noises of Bleatington. She peaked around the trees and saw and heard the crappy fife playing and began to twirl. “That looks like fun!” She exclaimed! You see Little Red would sneak into others homes as well and sing random crappy songs and would be shown the door.

    “Grandmas can wait!” she exclaimed as she used the excuse of going to grandma’s whenever she was shown the door as a cover for her bad behavior…she didn’t even know if grandma was even alive still.

    Red frolicked her way into Bleatington to join the crappy fife players in song and dance.

    Little did they all know the sky wasn’t happy with them for their continuous threats of taking down the stars and their weak ass attempts to pierce it with their pitchforks…

    Stay tuned for part 4 of Disqlandia

    Soundtrack: