Mahatmashitbag presents (to himself, apparently) an alternate history of Disqus, rife with leftist conspiracies!
Then, some gumby* attempts to rewrite the bit about how shitbag’s myriad of socks were spammed — PROTIP: It was solely because he’s a spammer who tagged people incessantly and HAD A SHITLOAD OF SOCK ACCOUNTS:
Not this kind, to be clear:
Oh, and by the way, PUD is short for PUDENDUM. Hope that helps!
Then, we have the most aptly self-named commenter, chillin’ in her own backwoods shed of conspiracy and crazy ass meth fever dreams:
Wut?
Wut part 2?
(By the way, Granny, thanks for being the 3rd most prolific ATDT site visitor even though you pretend you never come over here! Your hits make me the big $$$$!
I must have missed the part where any Disqus employee made any of my channels popular. Nice try, though! XD)
And finally, we have the Queen of Denial
…still pretending she didn’t help her boyfriend dox pretty much everyone on her shitty blogs. You can pretend that never happened all you like, you piece of shit, but that’s not reality.
That’s right, AtDTers! Everyone’s favorite agony aunt is back to answer your [mainly rhetorical] questions about stuff and things!
Dear Aunt Coccyx:
What’s an agony aunt? –Loser in Lambeth Loser:
It’s who your parents go to see for some discipline because they’re sick of hearing you touch yourself all day in their basement while whining about this website. Get a fucking job.
XOXO, Coccyx
Dear Aunt Coccyx:
Why do I constantly visit your site when all I do is complain about you? –Asinine in Anderson
Asinine:
Senility? Meth? Methnility? Take up knitting or something. Jesus fucking christ.
XOXO, Coccyx
Dear Aunt Coccyx:
Why am I such a piece of human trash? –Crusty in Camberwell
Crusty:
Genetics.
XOXO, Coccyx
Do you have a question for Aunt Coccyx?
Write to:
Dear Aunt Coccyx c/o As the Disq Turns 4900 John McCormack Rd NE, Washington, DC 2001
Previously on Disqlandia, Little Red Riding hood twirled and “sang” (screeched) into Bleatington and was greeted with enthusiasm by that old witch who loved Red’s voice:
Meanwhile, Micromind had gotten tired of other people on soap boxes as he claimed he could be the only one on a soap box. He started lighting other peoples’ soap boxes on fire while yelling “Have it your way!
The people of Bleatington got off their soapboxes immediately and poured gasoline on the fire because that’s how they roll.
Things in Disqlandia were quiet and serene. It was a joyful week of laughter and fun. But the evil wizard of Daftsville was plotting and making plans for his little mechanical pigs and was putting them through rigorous training!
Elsewhere, a psychotic flamingo desperate for attention rented some land from that old witch so that he might capture people and hit them in the head with a croquet mallet Everyone looked at him and laughed.
As the smoke settled, the boy who cried wolf waltzed into Bleatington, stood on a burnt soap box and asked the crowd what a fantasy was as he had forgotten what those were like…
You can now share your obsession with As the Disq Turns with the whole world by purchasing real life AtDT swag! That’s right! You can rub a piece of AtDT against your body in the privacy of your own basement dwelling!
Have you been obsessively whining about everything that happens on this channel since channel creation began on Disqus? Are you still whining even though channels are gone? Then buy yourself one of these, and own your whiny nostalgia forever!
Are you still butthurt that I banned you? Are you upset that I banned you again because you thought that with a whole new website we’d all be best buds even though you’re still a piece of shit? Well, this one’s for you! Our best seller!
Are you bitter that the little emoji stars didn’t magically disappear (yet)? Well, you can pretend you have one with one of these bad boys! It’s true!
Make sure to carry the tote with you at all times and get yourself the pillow to fondle in the privacy of your own bedroom!
But wait! There’s more idiotsplaining! Something about Fortnite! And real names (which no one uses and we can still have ONLY ONE FUCKING USERNAME ON DISQUS THAT’S NOT OUR REAL NAME, it’s not hard, vuppster!)
And? Who cares. It’s not like real sites use Disqus anyway.
And now he’s getting upset. Poor dear.
Um, where? Funny he’s not linking to the ‘PLEASE MAKE SOCK AND BOT ACCOUNTS AND UPVOTE YOURSELVES SILLY’ help section to prove his point, innit? Oh wait
The important question: Is he drunk or is he high? You decide.
Micromind consumed the golden chickens… little did he know they were just spray painted gold and had no powers
Frustrated again he stood upon his soap box in Bleatingtons town square, now claiming he was a spokes person for Disqlandia and could invite people into others homes, unfortunately no one heard him as they too were on soap boxes shouting nonsense as they viewed their issues more important than the rest…
As the villagers of Bleatington stood upon their soapboxes a gnat began buzzing in their ears about the various issues in other parts of the kingdom but his buzzing only annoyed Bleatington…all of a sudden a gallant knight passing through on his way to bring peace and order to the kingdom stopped into Bleatington as he heard the commotion of the villagers and wanted to help…the knight tried reasoning with the villagers with logic.
Alas no one would listen as they were still busy cursing the sky. The gnat however was frustrated that he was getting no attention and buzzed in the face of the knight. “I have no loyalty to the kingdom nor Bleatington,” he buzzed repeatedly.
The knight wasn’t having that shit and the gnat was swatted and killed…no one cared.
At that point The knight did what any logical person would do mounted his horse and got out to hold onto his sanity.
Meanwhile while skipping through the woods little red riding hood heard the noises of Bleatington. She peaked around the trees and saw and heard the crappy fife playing and began to twirl. “That looks like fun!” She exclaimed! You see Little Red would sneak into others homes as well and sing random crappy songs and would be shown the door.
“Grandmas can wait!” she exclaimed as she used the excuse of going to grandma’s whenever she was shown the door as a cover for her bad behavior…she didn’t even know if grandma was even alive still.
Red frolicked her way into Bleatington to join the crappy fife players in song and dance.
Little did they all know the sky wasn’t happy with them for their continuous threats of taking down the stars and their weak ass attempts to pierce it with their pitchforks…
Once again, some moron upset himself because he assumed I’m male based on my avatar. Yes, that’s right, a person who’s avatar IS NOT EVEN HUMAN is upset that MY AVATAR IS A MALE AND I AM NOT. (Not to mention they think it’s Vincent Price, but that’s a whole other issue… *looks pointedly at Jaye*)
How do these people function in the real world? They must go into fits when men have long hair and women have short hair. If I’m wearing a band t-shirt do they think I’m the entire band? What the fuck do they do on Halloween, cower in their basements due to the uncertainty? Anyway…
In honor of this dumbassery happening for the millionth time, here are a couple of blasts from ATDT’s past:
1) ATDT’s Wild Disqus Presents: How to spot a whackjob by their avatar
Here in the wilds of Disqusland, it can sometimes be difficult to spot a whackjob until it’s too late. But there are some simple tells that whackjobs can’t avoid, and one of them is the avatars they tend to choose. The avatars you should generally look out for are:
American Flags:
Usually only flown by internet assholes
Confederate Flags:
Always flown by internet racists
Eagles:
Usually a libertarian or some other random moron who knows nothing about anything
Eyeball closeups:
Generally a run of the mill nutjob creeper weirdo
People with any of the above avatars are often found shouting FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM, crying about “liberals”, inbreeding amongst themselves, getting banned for not understanding how to interact with human beings, and/or creating multiple sockpuppets and upvoting themselves and each other in religious frenzies.
Approach with caution. Even better, just ban and block the motherfuckers. Trust me, it will be no loss to you or the community whatsoever.
2) Fun Fact: Only incels whine about avatars not matching genders online
Case in point:
PROITP FOR INCELS LIKE PAUL: If an online avatar doesn’t immediately inform you that a person isn’t interested because they are a real human being with standards, you should just assume that from the get-go. No one will ever be interested in you – male, female, or your usual go-to, farm animals of any gender. You and your hand will just have to continue your “special” relationship! Make sure to say “hi” to your pals at return of kings for all of us!
By the way, Meaka made a typo – she doesn’t “love dick”, she “loves dicks”. How can you tell? If she posts on your “blog”, you’re a dick.
But at least they’re showing downvotes now…except they’re wimping out and not showing who’s downvoting. Come on, Disqus! You can sell tickets to the drama + commercials and I can laugh my ass off at all the serial downvoters scrambling to delete their accounts so you can’t see all the old downvotes they insisted they never made! It’s a win-win!
