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Thank you and goodnight.
Month: September 2019
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Disqlandia Part 2
The people of Bleatington never grew tired. They whined and cried all day but made sure to console each other by stating…
Elsewhere…
On a farm a man went to collect his daily dose of knowledge from his informative and helpful golden chickens. When he went to the coup they were nowhere to be found… He too started yelling at the sky in vain.
The golden chickens had made their way to Bleatington as they sensed that many people there were ill informed and lost as the village of Bleatington continued throwing their pitchforks to the sky to make the stars fall…but their aim was terrible and started throwing them at each other causing mortal wounds.
Micromind gazed on the chickens with envy. He enticed them with his words. He claimed to be the leader of Bleatington and Promised the golden chickens he was just trying to make the world a better place.
Most of the chickens weren’t falling for that shit though and took on Micromind head on! They saw past his charm and promises and kicked his ass up and down the hills with their sincere help and knowledge.
Micromind ran like a little baby as he so often does back to the one place that listened to his stupid rants. he had even become a well known groupie for the crappy fife players!! The few golden chickens that decided to stick around Bleatington were making themselves at home and began spreading gossip and lies as they wanted to blend into their new digs…
Micromind then pounced and captured them. He roasted them and consumed them as he thought he would devour their knowledge and could fool the kingdom into allowing him back in.
Alas he had a big surprise lying in wait for him…
Stay tuned for part 3 of Disqlandia
Soundtrack:
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Yesterday was “One Hit Wonder” Day
…at least according to random people and a silly internet “fakeass holidays” calendar. Here are a few of my faves:
Bags of mostly water search to find my definition
What are your favorite one hit wonders?
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Disqlandia Part 1
In a far away place lived a happy kingdom with beautiful land, people, unicorns and shit. The people would play music and dance all day!
Then one day a troll came in. A big nasty one that called himself Micromind. He would eat children and brag to all about how he had a special way to get to the children that no one else had, but wouldn’t share how. All he had was a black van and some candy, and everyone knew this. So no one believed his story about being special. This made him angry.
Micromind claimed he knew magic and would entice the children by attempting to harness the elements of Earth,Wind and Fire. Some of the children followed blindly to his pseudo magic while others listened to their parents and stayed in their homes. Safe from Micromind as they had been protected by the sorceresses wands. This made Micromind very upset as he loved barging into people’s homes and stealing and eating their children.
Micromind was far too dumb to use real magic to face the sorceresses so he crossed the lands far and wide until he finally found a new home. The small town of Bleatington. A place of misfits that had been exiled by the sorceresses. The mayor of the town was an old witch nobody seemed to remember her name so they just addressed her as That Old Witch.
Micromind was enchanted by That Old Witches town and barged into squat as he did in most places he invaded. He would stand in the middle of the town and screech that he wanted Justice, even though he didn’t know what that word meant.
Micromind, frustrated with his pointless efforts to belong to Bleatington, screamed to the sky where he saw the stars. In his little way of thinking he ran to the town square and started shrieking that the sky needed to come down to take out the sorceresses as he believed that is where their power was from.
The people of Bleatington went about their business per usual as they had no idea what anything meant they just wanted to chat and play crappy songs on their fifes to each other as they were in fact exiled for being too annoying with their crappy fife playing…
That Old Witch just smiled and nodded to anything anyone said or played for that matter she had no fucking clue what was going on. So when Micromind suggested the stars to be taken from the sky the Old Witch agreed even though she didn’t know what Micromind was saying she was too busy dancing to the crappy fife playing…
Stay tuned for the next installment of Disqlandia
Brought to you by
Soundtrack for Disqlandia part 1:
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Things I’d rather do…
I’d rather do my nails, break them off, and redo them than have any association with this douche
I would rather eat pine needles and listen to shakira’s “hips don’t lie“ on repeat for a whole day than have to read another lame ass, comment of this 3 time clogged artery fuck…
I would rather be stuck on traffic on I90, on a 100° day, with no working air conditioner while Justin Bieber’s “what do you mean” is being played with annoyingly super loud bass in the car next to me than ever read this again
What would you rather be doing?
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Episode 9: Flat Tire on the Highway of Life
Miraculously, the Reverend Oral Subconscious resurrected himself in several new forms and insisted it was the work of The Lord! You’d think that The Lord could spell and make some damn sense, but apparently not. In fact, the Reverend’s Sockpuppet Army, as they have become known, constantly participates in circle jerks in front of children and then denies they did so, even when presented with evidence of their activities.
The World’s Dumbest Secret Agent Mark 3 was caught by a mad scientist and placed in a maze from which he is unable to escape, which is especially sad since the “maze” is really a straight corridor with some cheese at the end. The rats previously got to the end ages ago and are now learning to read, while poor Mark 3 is languishing. The mad scientist keeps him around for comic relief at this point.
The Upvotologists have been kicked out of all public spaces for being disruptive and generally insane. Unfortunately for them, this means they can’t buy food in supermarkets like normal people, and have now resorted to cannibalizing the members with the fewest upvotes.
A strange new player has arrived in town. No one knows who he is, but he keeps shouting “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!” at random passers-by, hoping they’ll pay him the least bit of attention. They don’t.
Will the Reverend realize that the world knows that he and his sockpuppet army are all the same person?
Will the World’s Dumbest Secret Agent Mark 3 ever get out of the maze?
Will the Upvotologists contract some sort of brain wasting disease from eating their own?
Does anyone know or care who Whats-His-Name is?
Stay Tuned!
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Episode 8-1/2: That Sure is Some Pig You Got, Granny!
Grandma Moses learns that Chevy, the pig that she thought she ate, is actually alive when she sees it on a local news program. Outrageously enough, a local farmer has decided to put it up for election for a seat on the local town council.
“I figger since an orange pig can run for President, a pink one can run for town council! Yip,” the farmer told the reporter on the screen. “Don’t matter that this ‘un can’t even walk upright or talk or nothin’! He got a nasty ol’ disposition, too! And he smells like three week ol’ shit.”
“Well, that got through the censors! OOPS!” replied the reporter. “What’s your pig’s name? Does he have a campaign slogan?”
“Yessir! I just call ‘im Turd ‘cos that’s what he smells like! And his slogan is ‘A VOTE FOR TURD IS A VOTE FOR A PIG’. Catchy, ain’t it?”
Granny turned the TV off and wondered what the fuck kind of bacon she actually ate back then.
STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT NAILBITING INSTALLMENT!
This episode brought to you by:
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The Dregs of Disqus Roundup – Fall Edition
Yep, the dregs of Disqus are still dredging the depths of decency.
Here we have No-Knees Mahony, racisting as only he can:
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: A “plantationist, an oriental, a gay man, and two house negroes” walked into a bar. They all beat the shit out of MC because he’s a racist piece of shit, even though they didn’t exist anywhere but in his addled mind. Then they took away the “free” new knees he got thanks to Obama and gave them to someone way more deserving.
He’s also so jealous of News Views, he may have burst the last working blood vessel in his brain, as evidenced below:
Learn to speak English if you want to live in this country, MC!
If only there was some way to spot idiots like this in the wild…oh wait! There is!
In related news, congratulations to News Views and their high Google ranking!
Sorry that 435174183r541534.racist isn’t working out for you, Mr. ‘Jernilist”!
Then, we have Consider Me Never Leaving Disqus (aka Not Amusing), who’s entire profile is a treasure trove of fucknuttery, so much so that I can’t pick just one example of stupidity. But this sums it up:
Let’s see, who else? Oh yes, Ms. Attention Whore Moron (lifetime achievement award recipient), still accusing other people of doing what she denies she did and does constantly herself:
Looking good. Meaka!
The hypocrisy is astounding, as are her whoring skills. Wait, is it whoring if you do it for free? A question for the ages!
Share additional dregs updates in the comments below!
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So I saw In Fabric last night…
And it’s either the dumbest or the most brilliant movie I’ve seen in quite a while. Possibly both.
A lonely woman (Marianne Jean-Baptiste), recently separated from her husband, visits a bewitching London department store in search of a dress that will transform her life. She’s fitted with a perfectly flattering, artery-red gown—which, in time, will come to unleash a malevolent curse and unstoppable evil, threatening everyone who comes into its path.
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Episode 8: Everything’s Coming Up Bullshit
The Reverend Oral Subconscious never returned from his proselytizing trip with Grandma Moses. Granny was found wandering aimlessly from motel parking lot to motel parking lot, still looking for “pets”. The VW microbus was found in front of the Pink Pussy Nightclub, empty except for some pamphlets and used tissues.
There was also a note on the windshield. It read:”I have been plagged by demons long enuff. Goodby crule world! P.S. I know I’ll be resurected just like Jesus! What say you?” [sic]Coincidentally, a man matching the Reverend’s description miraculously turned up a day later; however, he insisted his name was Milliard and that he was really, really someone else! Not that Reverend at all!
The World’s Dumbest Secret Agent’s Clone, Secret Agent 2 also “disappeared”. But no one really cares. The Upvotologists are still going strong and are now crying over being oppressed. “Just one upvote!” they cry. “One upvote will get you off of our completely inane shitlist into the Kingdom of Heaven!” As always, they get ignored. To make their numbers seem greater, they dress up mannequins in depressing suits and walk around with them, hoping no one will notice they’re not real people.
Tealle Deare, one of the aliens who had landed previously, has taken up epic beat poetry and frequents one bar on open mic night, droning on and on about something no one but she can understand, until she gets the Oscars brushoff every time.
Citizens have been told to watch out for a band of roaming Australians with massive attitude problems and an unholy love for Spam. But that’s normal around those parts.
Is Milliard the Reverend? (DUH, OF COURSE HE IS!) Will the Upvotologists die from lack of upvotes? Will Teale Deare ever learn the art of being succinct? Will the Australians learn to be human? Stay Tuned!
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THIS EPISODE BROUGHT TO YOU BY
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Episode 7: Sock it to me!
As I’m sure you (don’t) remember, last time Tex bit off part of The Reverend’s nose in a fit of pique. Now The Reverend has no nose! How does he smell? AWFUL!
Anyway, that incident drove The ol’ Rev over the edge. He broke Grandma Moses out of the asylum, took all of his savings, and bought a dilapidated old VW Microbus and a beaten up old tent. Together, they’ve taken their show on the road, stopping at highway rest areas across the country and attempting to spread the Gospel of the Evil Pets to any poor soul who will listen.
Their tent is always empty, barring a few homeless people who just want to get out of the rain. Every time, without fail, he and Granny immediately accuse these people of being Acolytes of the Evil Pets and scream at them until they leave.
The World’s Dumbest Secret Agent’s Clone, Secret Agent 2, having been left up to his own devices, has somehow managed to make additional clones of himself out of his dandruff, bellybutton lint, and toe fungus. Of course, he names them Secret Agent 3, Secret Agent 4, and in a flash of unwarranted brilliance, Not the Dark Secret Agent 5. He then claims that he doesn’t know who any of them are.
Since the Reverend has abandoned his church to go on the Evil Pets 2016 Tour, a new cult has taken it over: Upvotology. Upvotologists believe that the more online upvotes you get for absolutely no reason, like for hitting on commenters in every thread or for making posts about attending funerals in posts in, say, a channel about weddings for example, the more likely the aliens who live inside you will take you to their home planet. There’s candy there. The more downvotes you get, the more likely your forced to listen to Barry Manilow records forever and ever when you die.
The Upvotologists, although new, have already started growing more and more insular and weird, and are now insisting that the world is out to get them even though almost no one knows they exist because no one will take the UPVOTE ME OR DIE, YOU FUCKING SWINE pins and pamphlets that they attempt to foist on unwitting passers-by.
The Golden Eggplant is actually Limp Mongoose’s penis. I can’t believe I had to spell that out for you doofuses.
Will some geriatric lovin’ happen in the VW Microbus?Will the clones ever learn basic hygiene skills?Why would anyone hate Barry Manilow? 🙁
Until next time!
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