In case you missed it, the As the Disq Turns Archive is now up and running!
SEE the constant butthurt of trolls!
HEAR their incessant whining that started it all!
TASTE the rainbow of utter stupidity!
SMELL the teen spirit!
FEEL the nostalgia!
Visit the As the Disq Turns Archive today! Now with more downvotes!
Today on As the Disq Turns…
The entire world learns that Grandma Moses can’t read after a police officer pulls her over and asks her what the speed limit is when the sign is right in front of her and the exchange is caught on video by some well-meaning passers-by. Grandma Moses is so angered by this, she threatens to start a letter writing campaign. Unfortunately, she can’t read the address to send the letters to, and they all end up at the dead letter office.
Elsewhere, the world’s dumbest Secret Agent is caught when he uses his real name on his travel documents. He insists he’s innocent of all wrongdoing, yet refuses to give actual information about a supposed sleeper agent he purports to know personally, instead saying, “Tee hee! I know exactly who he is, tee hee!” He gets shot by the KGB who are too tired to put up with his shit.
Meanwhile, the good Reverend Oral Subconscious keeps trying to convert people to his flock. Unfortunately, he is far too lazy to open his own tent revival, so he keeps sneaking into random peoples’ houses to hold his sermons and getting ejected. He doesn’t seem to understand why this keeps happening. It makes him so very, very angry!
And finally, some crazy woman stands on a streetcorner and yells about how she invented the internet. No one pays attention.
Join us next time on As the Disq Turns!
If you hadn’t noticed, there’s now a Search Page where you can search AtDT to find that elusive post about [fill in the blank] that you swore you read here, but can’t find again.
Well, it looks like some, let’s say interesting people have found it.
First, we have the people who just want to learn. And that’s okay:
But then, it devolves into sex, because as you know so many of AtDT’s troll fans are closeted, lonely, and/or live in their mom’s basements:
But then it starts getting disturbing:
Which leads to:
But the most disturbing of all? This:
Sometimes, I worry about you people.
Even though channels are gone, the morons still roam free! In no particular order:
A random idiot on Discuss Disqus is too lazy to delete his own account; whines when told to do so.
Would you like Disqus to change your diaper, too?
We have “moderator report card”, which still has nothing to do with moderators, reports, cards, or any combination thereof, chugging along in their new digs with an array of zero comments per post:
On NV, it looks like people still don’t know what moderators are. Thanks, Deb-bama!
Yep, you sure ripped me by whining like a 3 year old! LMFAO
On “Covert Whiny Baby”, a wannabe cocksuckee/part-time cocksucker whines about another moderator while he made a nazi a moderator on his forums and allows trolls, stalkers, and the psychotic to post.
This image can also be found under “hypocrite” in the dictionary.
Is UPS not hiring?
On “Forums No One Wants”, a multiple personality fake Jew shitbag doesn’t understand the concept, as usual.
I guess he’s a masochist. XD
Run across any other dumb shit? Share it here!
Ready for your night on the town, budding fashionista? Well, then you’d better powder up and put on your clear plastic bralet (£5) and denim janties ($315).
Then, find that Prada Frankenstein T-shirt you threw into a drawer somewhere! Only £415!
Hmmm, should you go for a skinny jean or a flare? PORQUE NO LOS DOS? Only $375!
Put on your pre-dirtied sneakers with inexplicable crystalled cherries! Only $1,250!
Don’t forget your tiny bag to hold your tiny brain! Only $258!
Have fun!
So, I’m here cleaning the place and goofing off because it’s Labor Day and as such I don’t have to go to work. (Yeah, that doesn’t make much sense, but that’s America for you.) Anyway, I ordered what was supposed to be hazelnut milk tea and this shit tastes very coffee-like. I hate coffee.
But I don’t really care because I am also rewatching Flight of the Conchords in the background.
I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow.
As my esteemed colleagues already know, the Disqus Home experiment recently concluded after approximately 3 years. An summary of our study methodology and results follows:
We investigated whether a group of commenters known for their constant demonstrated antisocial behavior (such as racism, sexism, general trolling, etc) who we designated as “MALCONTENTS” for study purposes, would eventually go insane when presented with various obstacles. In the first phase of the study, all participants (control group + malcontents) were told they would be allowed to create “channels” (i.e. no-charge discussion sites) on Disqus Home to discuss whatever they’d like, after having been exposed to the very few channels created and run by Disqus Corporate. Channels created by users immediately fell into the following categories:
To further along the experiment, we then designated random users as “All Stars”, gave them a star emoji in front of their usernames, and introduced them to the community as being “star posters that you should know”. Malcontents reactions can be summed up thusly:
Even though the malcontents started threatening to leave Disqus, the creation of All Stars apparently wasn’t enough to get them motivated to do so. At this point, Disqus announced its Hate Speech policy, after which several malcontents’ accounts were removed. However, this was not enough to deter them making new accounts over and over again (aka “sockpuppeting”), like a form of OCD, even though they supposedly hated Disqus so much. The most egregious example of this was a malcontent we will refer to as “mahatmashitbag”, who had over 100 sock accounts which he used to talk to and upvote himself. [Please refer to our other paper, “When Multiple Personality Disorder Strikes – Nuke It “, to be published next month after peer review.]
In conclusion, the commenters tested were too far gone before testing, and the Disqus system did not allow for stemming the tide of creation of multiple accounts by a single user, therefore all the results of this experiment are moot. We will start our revised experiment on our new testing ground, known as “realms”, starting immediately.
It’s almost here, folks! We’re coming up on September 1st, the end of Disqus as we know it!
Time to say buh-bye to the assholes who can’t even afford a real website with an actual name! [Anyone who wants to contribute to the “Please rename our sites from djdfgudf02r10421541034-14.site.me or whatever to a real website name” please send your money directly to me. I’ll make sure it gets to someone who actually deserves it. Thanks!]
Let’s get to partying!
Moronic right wing patsy and “blogger” Jacob Wohl got caught pretending to travel the world this week by several eagle-eyed twitter users, who noticed that even though his photos had different locations on them, they were all taken in front of the same ugly fence.
It’s almost like he’s a typical Disqus poster, isn’t it?
THE COUNTDOWN TO THE END CONTINUES!
Once upon a time, poor little Mariam the Shitlover rolled around in her own shit and called it roses. She did it so often that no one paid attention to her. So, she complained about people using “bad words” and pretended she was a “good person” and called others “scum” while constantly posting pictures of Jo, pretending she didn’t know it was her, and being a complete asshole about it. Then, she obsessively followed the new As the Disq Turns, which she insisted was the most horrible thing in the whole world! So, when Disqus finally went kablooey, poor little Mary withered away like the pathetic piece of shit she is, but not before getting picked up by the trolland police for violating the restraining order that Jo put on her for being obsessed with her legs.
Then, an oaf called Communique didn’t understand the simple concept that people can change their display names without becoming different people, even though she had 100 different names for herself. She was so dumb that she managed to enrage someone even dumber than she is, Wishy the Tit-Fearer, so much that he doxxed the shit out of her while pretending to be the fair Princess Myte! So she put all her time and effort into obsessively copying and pasting a countdown clock from As the Disq Turns everywhere when she could just make one herself, the lazy cunt.
Eri the Attention Whore spent all of her days in trolland servicing other trolls thusly:
She had fake relationship after fake relationship with trolls Dirt Pile/Paul/[FILL IN FAKE “MALE” TROLL NAME HERE], the Justifiers of Drama, because she couldn’t hold down a job in the real world. Then, like clockwork, she’d get really upset when someone called her out on her bullshit and she’d make yet another new account that she would pretend wasn’t hers until she couldn’t stand not receiving the attention she really wanted. The countdown to her getting back with Jos, the Bald Mustardy Doxxer, the only one who could ever give her the constant attention she always wanted, begins now.
In this, the final week of Disqus Channels, the mental breakdowns and true confessions are coming hard and fast. It’s hard to keep up!
Paraphrased highlights from various folks follow:
The nazis: BLAH BLAH BLAH CAT GIFS BLAH BLAH RACIST NONSENSE BLAH BLAH I’M SO BUTTHURT ABOUT NEWS VIEWS AND/OR ATDT I DEVELOPED HEMORRHOIDS
Canadians: “Um, singaling’s really a dude and stole our money. Singaling: “But I’m sorry, so it’s okay. Thoughts and prayers to the rescue!“
This asshole: “I forgive you, singaling, because I did exactly the same thing but never admitted it! Now, Imma gonna write some southern-soundin’ bible-thumpin bullsheet!”
These assholes: “It’s okay that cowboy’s a lying sack of shit because I like “his” utterly fake persona! After all, I’m also a huge sack of shit, I’m utterly fake. and I’m self-centered as fuck!”
Tommy’s Fanclub #1: One word. “Slutbutt“.
Best. Writer. EVAR. Pulitzer, here he comes!
Tommy’s Fanclub #2: “We’re not chronic masturbators! Our pants just chafe!!!!! FUCK YOU BITCH!“
Dumbass Camp: Moron buys a gun, seeks attention
Phew! Let me know if you find any more before D-Day arrives!
