Tag: idiots

  • Newsflash: Disqus Officially Says “Fuck It”

    Newsflash: Disqus Officially Says “Fuck It”

    Actual Image of Disqus HQ

    Earlier this week, Disqus officially turned over the company to their most prolific troll account, unofficially known as “Huggy” due to his issues with older women hugging younger men, in a move that surprises no one. As the shittiest Disqus volunteer mod stated, “I’m so over banning people,” right before he blamed other people for getting trolled by a person with blatant psychological problems and a million accounts.

    The “Finn” mod account, which is actually Disqus employees Anna, Ryan, or Sam at any given time, then proceeded to ban and/or temporarily ban random commenters who dared respond to any post made by Huggy. “We used the time-tested method of eenie-meenie-miney-mo to pick who we banned, since there are still plenty of obnoxious comments up made by people we like,” said Finn, who then turned the bot mod back on and deleted every image posted for no reason. Then they yelled “NEET PRIDE”, genuflected to a picture of Andrew Tate, and copy and pasted a paragraph about the gross national product of Indonesia over and over again.

    In related news, the price of coconuts has plummeted while shares in VPNs have risen exponentially.

  • Hold the presses!  An internet troll has found several “cures” for COVID!

    Hold the presses! An internet troll has found several “cures” for COVID!

    That’s right ladies, gentlemen, and troll hangers-on — a pool cleaner has found some cures for COVID!*

    Isn’t that amazing? Apparently, having blood, taking geriatric vitamins, and huffing chlorine, ozone, and hydrogen peroxide could have saved hundreds of thousands of people! If you have any of the following symptoms, at least you’re dying from something that’s not COVID! Tell your friends to start huffing right away!**

    But the main side effects not listed above: BRAIN DAMAGE and BULLSHITTING PEOPLE TO GET THEM TO DO STUPID SHIT LIKE HUFF CHEMICALS.

    And look! There’s a SCIENTIFIC STUDY and shit!*** An excerpt:

    Help for people who apparently can’t understand simple English:

    An “opinion” is something you believe that isn’t necessarily true or valid
    “Will be verified” means it hasn’t currently been verified
    “Strongly encourage randomized controlled trials … to study” means that no trials or studies have occurred when the paper was written.
    Ergo, THERE IS NO PROOF THAT THIS WORKS IN REGARD TO COVID INFECTIONS.

    Oh, look! Here’s another study: Hydrogen peroxide poisoning

    So remember, everyone! Pool cleaners are experts in COVID now! It’s a whole new world!


    *DISCLAIMER: None of the things mentioned are preventatives or cures for COVID. Do not try them at home, unless you really want to kill yourselves.

    **DISCLAIMER: Don’t do this either.

    *** The “and shit” makes it totally gangsta.

  • Fun Facts about Coccyx

    Fun Facts about Coccyx

    I know you’re all dying to know more about me, especially those certain people who shall remain soulless nameless, so here are some fun facts about moi!

    Fun Fact #1:

    I haven’t and will never, ever, comment on your shitty website(s). Especially not to look up someone’s Disqus rep numbers, because anyone can do that by appending their username to the end of the following link, you fucking morons:
    https://disqus.com/api/3.0/users/details?api_key=R1xXRNQyeHV72yLehk79kS4C1evT3p7EW2e0Pn1EdGVCBuuF4CtsORsYDaHx1Wm8&user:username=

    And the above link doesn’t make up fake stories about people being trolls, either! It’s like MAGIC!

    Fun Fact #2:

    I can spot a troll a mile away. Especially one that wants to be me! Case in point:

    https://disqus.com/by/disqus_Tmkn6k7ckG/

    Oh look! It’s someone who likes to play with the API and loves me so much they’ve pretended to be me on several occasions. Who could it possibly be?! Hi Disqus Is Shitty Platform sock #462 – the version that can actually speak English a bit. Good job!

    Fun Fact #3:

    I enjoy living rent free in your heads, but can you please clean up the place? It’s like someone dropped a shit bomb in there.

    Hope that answers all your burning questions, trolls!

  • What is QAnon?  A Hard-Hitting Investigative Report

    What is QAnon? A Hard-Hitting Investigative Report

    Since the inbred constituents of Buttfuck, Georgia’s 14th Congressional District have elected QAnonist (QAnoner? QAnonass?) weirdo Marjorie Taylor Greene in the House primary, people have been wondering “What the fuck is QAnon?” Well, dear readers, that’s what As the Disq Turns is here for – real news reporting.

    So, for a quick primer on QAnon, here’s a video:

    Oh, wait. That’s some guy who thinks penguins aren’t real.

    Okay, here it is:

    No, no, this is about some dude who doesn’t think the moon exists.

    Give me a sec, I’m sure I have it somewhere.

    Shit. Still not it.

    Here it is! Found it under Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuDmm39p4wk

    Now you can feel comfortable discussing how fucking stupid QAnon is with conservatives. You’re welcome!

  • Succubus 2: The Hydroxychloroquine Factor

    Succubus 2: The Hydroxychloroquine Factor

    Looks like everyone’s favorite “self-published” Kindle “book” is getting a sequel!

    In Succubus 2: The Hydroxycholoroquine Factor, a new character, Dr. (I’m not a real doctor, I have a degree from a Cracker Jack box … in Science!) Stella Immanuel attempts to cure people of Succubus possession by using a drug she found for 5 for $1 at her local dollar store. Oh, and prayer. Don’t forget prayer!

    Russian bot Facebook posters and the current president of the United States think this book will be a big hit! Buy it today!

  • Reviews of  “FLAGGED! The Musical”

    Reviews of “FLAGGED! The Musical”

    The reviews keep coming in! FLAGGED! The Musical is a huge hit!

    FLAGGED! The musical is the story of Whiny Bitch and his cronies, who are flagged by a figment of their imagination they call “FLAGGED!”. It stars a mirror as “FLAGGED!”, Gerald as “Whiny Bitch”, Desert Woman as “Fake Jew”, and Geezus as “A Sad Sock Account with Mommy Issues”.

    FLAGGED! The Musical is fucking hilarious! I laughed, I laughed some more, and then I peed a little!

    -As the Disq Turns

    FLAGGED! The Musical is tour-de-force! The fact that’s it’s based on a true story is insane! I hope those people got the help they need. (It’s still funny, though!)

    -The Random Disqus Observer

    YOU’RE FULL OF SHIP. THIS IS A SHIPFEST! IMMA SUE!

    -Gerald

    Get your tickets to FLAGGED! The Musical today!

  • Must see AtDT TV

    Must see AtDT TV

    First, there’s “Things White Supremacists Say”, a compilation like “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, but starring racists! A few examples:

    Then, we have a slightly more somber dramedy called “No Dick Pablo”, the story of a ‘man’ who is so concerned with other people’s genitals because his own shriveled up and fell off at a bus stop. Case in point:

    And finally, there’s “Slap the Moron”, a game show where the person who smacks an idiot Disqus poster the hardest wins! Some previous smackees:

    The moron who gets slapped the most receives the prize below:

    STAY TUNED!

  • Announcing a new ATDT sitcom!

    Announcing a new ATDT sitcom!

    It’s the sitcom you’ve all been waiting for!

    Will wishin-he-had-a-brain ever realize that no one gives a fuck about his screeds? Will Pony keep making wishin-he-wasn’t-a-moron look like a fool? Stay tuned!

  • What a dumbship

    What a dumbship

    Just sit right back and you’ll watch a tale

    of a dude so full of shit

    he couldn’t spell the word “shit” right

    because his brain’s unfit

  • Vote for the Dumbest Dreg of 2019

    Vote for the Dumbest Dreg of 2019

    Which one of our most laughable trolls is the dumbest? Is it:

    Brian, the Nazi UPS wannabe who never crops their screenshots?

    Granny, the trailer trash, makes shit up, lying liar?

    MC, the still can’t spell, talks to himself, racist fucktard?

    Meaka, the attention whoring, hypocritical moron?

    Paul, the desperate for some female company but actually closeted glutton for punishment?

    Wishy, the longwinded, nonsensical titfearer who’s in love with Dr. Thomas?

    Or is it one of the many other trolls who “don’t follow” ATDT, but constantly complain about it (like this one who makes fake threats)?

    It’s up to you!