It’s only taken 5 years, but a few of the usual suspects have finally realized why As the Disq Turns exists (even though it’s always said why in the description).
Good job, guys!
Don’t worry, we promise to ease you into the purpose of The Onion so you don’t hurt yourselves!
We here at As the Disq Turns like to keep our content fresh and highly intellectual, so we’ve decided to add a new Book Review segment. Enjoy!
“Lemons Aren’t The Only Fruit – Or Are They Minerals?” by Morel “Joe” Mahoney
Winner of the Karen Prize for dumbest fiction, Lemons Aren’t The Only Fruit – Or Are They Minerals? is a coming-out novel from Morel “Joe” Mahoney, the acclaimed author of “Speling is for Loosers” and “The Plagiarized Autobiography of a Fake Journalist”. The protagonist, Joe, is a racist and sexist old man who is so divorced from reality the doesn’t know that lemons are fruit, but fancies himself to be a journalist of great stature, and pretends he gets paid to write plagiarized, un-proofread blog posts on the internet. He never comes to terms with his preference for man-bras, while insisting he was once an actual police officer. There is no moral journey for Joe; he never understands what an abject failure he is.
Grade: F-. Amazon really needs to stop letting any idiot sell shit for Kindle
In an amazing turn of events, drug maker Pfizer (known mainly for Pro-Exit) has determined that masks protect users from 5G frequencies. An official announcement is expected later today.
Public reaction has been highly favorable:
“I used to make up stories about how masks were bad for you because I’m a complete moron, but now that I know that they’ll protect me from 5G, I’ll wear a whole shipload,” said an anonymous source.
“This is the bigliest news ever! Bow down to me for stopping both COVID and 5G in their tracks! It’s a great day for Russia!” said President Trump.
You can tune into the upcoming news conference here.
The reviews keep coming in! FLAGGED! The Musical is a huge hit!
FLAGGED! The musical is the story of Whiny Bitch and his cronies, who are flagged by a figment of their imagination they call “FLAGGED!”. It stars a mirror as “FLAGGED!”, Gerald as “Whiny Bitch”, Desert Woman as “Fake Jew”, and Geezus as “A Sad Sock Account with Mommy Issues”.
FLAGGED! The Musical is fucking hilarious! I laughed, I laughed some more, and then I peed a little!
-As the Disq Turns
FLAGGED! The Musical is tour-de-force! The fact that’s it’s based on a true story is insane! I hope those people got the help they need. (It’s still funny, though!)
-The Random Disqus Observer
YOU’RE FULL OF SHIP. THIS IS A SHIPFEST! IMMA SUE!
-Gerald
Get your tickets to FLAGGED! The Musical today!
So, you’ve been “banned” from posting somewhere you never wanted to post anyway. How can you survive this affront?
Step 1: Laugh your fucking ass off
There’s nothing funnier than some troll thinking being “banned” from their site, where you’ve never posted or wanted to post, is “punishment”.
Step 2: Laugh even harder
Okay, maybe there’s one thing funnier – watching the same troll whine and cry about being downvoted and flagged by you, when you’ve never flagged or downvoted its dumb ass
Step 3: Donate to AtDT
AtDT is here to make it easy for you to laugh at trolls. Show us some love! (And it will really piss them off, too.)
AtDT’s new look is a hit! The riff-raff are falling over themselves to get in, and they’re so persistent!
They just can’t stop gushing about us!
It’s only been 3 or so days since we moved here, and even trolls from as close as Anderson, CA and as far as Tel Aviv are desperate for entry!
Thanks for making AtDT what it is today!
(Sorry, guys, you’re still not cool enough to come into The Clubhouse, though. I hear the Burger King’s open late – try there.)
M’lud may it please the court, I would like to present some new information about a local troll. It has been assumed that Desert Woman (aka @disqus_K7CYOswAe3) is one of Pudendum’s billion socks due to the blatant racism and antisemitism “she” constantly spouts. However, the Google machine thinks otherwise:
Let’s see. So is MC:
Racist? Check
Anti-Semitic? Check
A Fucking Moron? Check
Google and I rest our case.
Rebuttals welcome.
That’s right, folks! The Clubhouse is open! What scintillating wonders await you there? It’s a surprise!
Passwords will be provided to All-Stars (except for moronic ones), the G6, and G6 adjacents.
For now, go ahead and chat (so I can get your IPEEZ).
Thanks to the voluminous donations we received, As the Disq Turns is proud to announce we’ve moved from Wix, which was a pain in the ass to use, here to our new home! Please be patient while the comment sections update here; we all know that our biggest fans – the sad, lonely, basement-dwelling troll brigade and their many sock accounts – would be crushed without the ability to screenshot our comments (and posts) from their original sources. But don’t worry! You can still reach us at asthedisqturns.com. We will be here whenever you need us, in perpetuity.
AtDT loves its donors! We’d like to thank:
The Forkless Foundation
ANTIFA
The G6
Black Lives Matter
Bill Gates
5G
Our various anonymous donors, and our largest investor:
Without you, this move wouldn’t have been possible!
I’d better get a lawyer. Is Johnnie Cochran’s ghost available?
In the meantime, please contribute to the “Troll Lives Don’t Matter/Coccyx Legal Fund” by clicking the donate button at the top of the page.
First, there’s “Things White Supremacists Say”, a compilation like “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, but starring racists! A few examples:
Then, we have a slightly more somber dramedy called “No Dick Pablo”, the story of a ‘man’ who is so concerned with other people’s genitals because his own shriveled up and fell off at a bus stop. Case in point:
And finally, there’s “Slap the Moron”, a game show where the person who smacks an idiot Disqus poster the hardest wins! Some previous smackees:
The moron who gets slapped the most receives the prize below:
STAY TUNED!
