Distinguished members of the committee, the G6, and other non-morons,

I am ecstatic to be here with you today to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. I am deeply honored that you have chosen me to join the ranks of MLK, Mother Theresa, and Mandela to receive this commendation for my efforts to bring together those who, shall we say, missed the brain handout line because they were too busy looking at themselves in the mirror, pretending to be victimized, masturbating, or doing all three at once.

I accept this prize on behalf of the self-oppressed, the doxxers, and the trolls on Disqus who, at this very moment, have banded together in their hatred of me and misunderstanding of satire in one big kumbaya, even though just the other day they were all threatening each other with doxing, rape, death, and/or all three at once. My power is so great that I can’t even try to be humble about it – I can make the greatest scum of the Earth come together in a giant lovefest/circlejerk because I’m Just. That. Amazing.

This is the best swag I’ve gotten yet!

Thank you.

CoccyxThe InterwebNovember 13, 2019