5 things that never happened:

• Channels still exist? And people are complaining about them? Huh.

• So will Ferd be doing all this stuff he pretends other people are doing before or after his next fake heart attack?

• Thanks for helping Wishy to report those TOS violations, random troll who’s totally Ryan!

• Did the interweb police hoist him on their shoulders and start a parade after he “took down” the site, too?

• Someone’s “daughter” pretended their “mother” died and magically logged into her Disqus account so she could tell all the trolls about it. PROTIP: If all your internet “friends” are pretending to die to get away from you, it’s probably because you’re an asshole.

And one thing that did happen:

My EYES!!!!!