Category: Current Events ‘n Shit

  • The New U.S. Citizenship Test

    The New U.S. Citizenship Test

    In case you missed it, there’s going to be a new U.S. Citizenship test! Here’s a preview:

  • Interview with a foreign agent

    Interview with a foreign agent

    In the aftermath of the United States 2020 elections, As The Disq Turns has managed to secure an interview with a foreign agent who has been running online election interference in the wake of the 2016 elections. To protect the identity of the agent, names, organizations, and places have been changed.

    ATDT: Welcome to As the Disq Turns. What may we call you for the purpose of this interview?

    FUNN: You may call me Mr Funnel, or just Funn, as my friends call me.

    ATDT: How long have you been in the business?

    FUNN: I have been active since the fall of the East German Republic, another regime obsessed with walls and authoritarianism.

    ATDT: I see. Was this out of political or ideological motivation?

    FUNN: Neither really, back then I was renovating my second pied-à-terre in Southern France and the banks weren’t really forthcoming in extending my mortgage. So you get creative with your sources of alternative income.

    ATDT: Has this changed over the years or do you still consider yourself a mercenary of sorts?

    FUNN: To be honest, I did fancy myself quite the mercenary back in the day, but one matures over the years. That and there is only so much renovation one can do really. So my motivations did start to become more idealistic as I grew older.

    ATDT: What brought you to interfere in the 2020 US elections?

    FUNN: That was pure spite, plain and simple. See, if you get hired to do a job but your client refuses to pay the invoices you send, action is called for. This particular client had a long history of defrauding companies, his own charities and individuals of their money. Quite honestly I have to admit I should have asked for a deposit, but you live and learn. I didn’t feel a credit recovery service was going to do the job so I had to find another way to recover my losses and make this a teachable moment for my client.

    ATDT: Can you give our readers some insight into what your endeavors consisted of?

    FUNN: Sure. Typically I will start grass-roots type news organizations, eroding the public trust in said dictatorship. Think of blogs and social media efforts pointing out the fascist nature of the regime in question. Add in some race-relations, religion, and sexuality and you are off to a great start.

    ATDT: Does that take a lot of work?

    FUNN: Again, not really. With a bit of basic computer knowledge some pocket money from my wife and handful of off-shore coding talent in Asia-Pacific you can set up bot-networks in a matter of days.

    ATDT: Is that all you do?

    FUNN: We also get substantial funding from philanthropists such as George Soros, which helps recruiting local resources to act as disruptors. And then there is the hardcopy publishing side of my operations.

    Photo: Taken at an anonymous location in Denmark Nov 6, 2020

    ATDT: Publishing?

    FUNN: Not to toot my own horn, but we printed well over 130,000 ballots this year in Georgia alone and used immigrant volunteers fill those out and deliver them to the ballot boxes, which worked out magnificently, if I say so myself.

    ATDT: Aren’t you afraid you are going to get caught?

    FUNN: Caught? You must be joking! We are talking about people who organize press events at a suburban garden center next to a dildo shop.

    ATDT: What’s next on your radar?

    FUNN: Preparations have been going already for a special operation targeting some court in the United States.

    ATDT: Sounds exciting! Thanks again for your time Mr Funnel.

    FUNN: You’re welcome.

  • Farewell to a moron

    Farewell to a moron

    And no, I’m not talking about the worst president in history – I’m referring to ER being banned from News Views!

    But it’s okay … it’s not like she’s a whiny bitch who whines about being banned because she deserves it or anything, according to herself:


    But that’s not really accurate, now is it? Good luck, G! You’d better block her emails and tags – I’m sure you’ll get hundreds of them begging for you to reinstate her!

  • The “GTFO you orange fascist” countdown begins!

    The “GTFO you orange fascist” countdown begins!

    That’s right! It’s now Election Day in the US (in my time zone, anyway). Will the Russians fake the election results again? Stay tuned!

    And if you haven’t done so yet – VOTE, you idiots!

  • Farewell, Sean Connery

    Farewell, Sean Connery

    In case you missed it, Sean Connery has died. A small tribute:

  • Shoo, fly, don’t bother me!

    Shoo, fly, don’t bother me!

    And the memes just keep on comin’:

    This one’s for Johnny Lawrence | Vice Patriot

  • Republican Death Pool

    Republican Death Pool

    Place your bets!**

    **NOTE: No actual bets will be taken. Enjoy at your own risk.

  • NEWSFIGHT!

    NEWSFIGHT!

    Are you sick of pedos doubling down on defending other pedos? Take a pedo break and refresh yourself with the latest edition of NEWSFIGHT!

    In this corner, we have “Things you should never buy on Etsy”:

    An Alabama man has been indicted on multiple federal charges after authorities say he was making drugs in his kitchen and marketing them as cancer treatments.

    The drugs, according to the indictment, were homemade suppositories manufactured in an environment so unsterile that customers reported finding pieces of hair in their suppository packs.

    Versus “Someone’s never seen a real one” in this corner:

    Authorities did their due diligence this week after a woman thought she bought a package of smoked turkey tails but received something that was much more phallic-shaped than expected.

    … “I’m calling Save A Lot, this ain’t right,” Singfield said on a Facebook livestream. “I know what this is.”

    And catty-corner, we have a special mention:

    Four men who blasted compressed air into a friend’s RECTUM are jailed after a judge rejected their claim that it was a prank in Norway

    It’s nice to know that stupid people exist other places than Disqus. At least they’re not raping children!

  • What is QAnon?  A Hard-Hitting Investigative Report

    What is QAnon? A Hard-Hitting Investigative Report

    Since the inbred constituents of Buttfuck, Georgia’s 14th Congressional District have elected QAnonist (QAnoner? QAnonass?) weirdo Marjorie Taylor Greene in the House primary, people have been wondering “What the fuck is QAnon?” Well, dear readers, that’s what As the Disq Turns is here for – real news reporting.

    So, for a quick primer on QAnon, here’s a video:

    Oh, wait. That’s some guy who thinks penguins aren’t real.

    Okay, here it is:

    No, no, this is about some dude who doesn’t think the moon exists.

    Give me a sec, I’m sure I have it somewhere.

    Shit. Still not it.

    Here it is! Found it under Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuDmm39p4wk

    Now you can feel comfortable discussing how fucking stupid QAnon is with conservatives. You’re welcome!

  • NEWSFIGHT!

    NEWSFIGHT!

    So who’s sick of Disqus morons?

    As we all should be! So here’s a little fun instead. Which news story makes you hate 2020 a little less?

    In this corner, we have “German nudist chases wild boar that stole laptop at Berlin lake“. An excerpt:

    “Because the bag contained his laptop, he gave it his all, even though he was in his birthday suit,” explained Landauer. The boar’s flight was slowed by a cardboard box in its path. The man clapped his hands and hit the ground with the stick, prompting the boar to drop the laptop. Another witness said: “When he returned from the forest, everyone applauded him.”

    And in the other corner, we have “Have you spotted a satellite dish on a beaver lodge? Here’s why it’s happening“. An excerpt:

    Beavers are technically capable of installing their own satellite dishes, said Glynnis Hood, a professor of environmental science at the University of Alberta who has been studying beavers for more than 20 years. They will build a lodge with just about anything, she said. But while they have the construction skills, the animals are lacking in the technical department. “I’m not sure if they could directionally install it in a way that they’d get a good shot of Downton Abbey,” she said. “But otherwise, they could install it, but it would probably be covered in mud.”

    Beavers or Nudists? You decide!

  • Succubus 2: The Hydroxychloroquine Factor

    Succubus 2: The Hydroxychloroquine Factor

    Looks like everyone’s favorite “self-published” Kindle “book” is getting a sequel!

    In Succubus 2: The Hydroxycholoroquine Factor, a new character, Dr. (I’m not a real doctor, I have a degree from a Cracker Jack box … in Science!) Stella Immanuel attempts to cure people of Succubus possession by using a drug she found for 5 for $1 at her local dollar store. Oh, and prayer. Don’t forget prayer!

    Russian bot Facebook posters and the current president of the United States think this book will be a big hit! Buy it today!