Day: September 9, 2019

  • As the Disq Turns: Episode 3

    As the Disq Turns: Episode 3

    This time on As the Disq Turns…

    In the asylum, Grandma Moses has gotten hold of some crayons and is writing what, in her mind, is a very important philosophical treatise on the walls of her room. To everyone else, it just looks like gibberish. The doctor tries to get her to confront her issues to no avail.

    Feeling ignored, London Bridges has found a way to sneak into Tex’s padded cell and they’ve managed to get it on without the guards noticing, probably because the lubrication from Tex’s drool drowns out most of the flesh-on-flesh slapping noises.

    The Reverend Oral Subconscious, disillusioned about the failure of his “ingenious” master plan to get Professor Marvel’s robot to allow him to proselytize in every house in the world, has taken up drinking. Well, more than usual, anyway. After getting kicked out of his third bar for the evening, he wanders into a local comedy club and somehow ends up on stage, where he’s booed mercilessly while attempting and failing to tell a simple knock knock joke. Enraged, the Reverend then attempts to call security on the audience for not appreciating his greatness. Security laughs at him and throws him out into the alley.

    Across the globe, the world’s dumbest Secret Agent (who was previously shot and killed by the KGB) has now been successfully cloned into adult form by their scientists in an underground laboratory. Unfortunately, his brain capacity is even less than it was before. The KGB scientists attempted to potty train Secret Agent 2, as he is now called, with little success. In fact, attempts at getting any useful information or logical thought out of him has proved impossible. Feeling sorry for the poor, dumb soul, one of the scientists smuggles him out of the laboratory and leaves him to fend for himself out on the streets. He is immediately recruited by a small doomsday cult run by Mrs. Dumbfries, an ex-crack whore with a deep, dark secret, and Mr. Extreme, a mysterious hooded figure with a fondness for cigars. Mrs. Dumbfries, Mr. Extreme, and their cult members believe that the end of days will be brought about when people start treating each other with respect and decency. So they go out in public and be as racist, sexist, and moronic as possible, and then wonder why they get beaten up and arrested on a daily basis. But since the world hasn’t ended yet, they believe their efforts haven’t been in vain.

    Meanwhile, Jesus isn’t having much luck connecting with the common folk, so he decides to make his talk show a little less “News” and a little more “Jerry Springer”.

    The homeless Queen of the Internet, after attacking a local businessman for “downvoting her in spirit”, whatever that means, has been taken to await psychiatric evaluation to see if she can withstand trial.

    In a bizarre twist of fate, Limp Mongoose has just found out that his Mom’s basement isn’t his Mom’s basement at all! He was adopted as a baby when an unidentified woman left him wrapped in newspaper in front of the local Tits ‘R Us. But perhaps that crown-shaped birthmark on his thigh will lead him to his birth mother…

    Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of As the Disq Turns! Brought to you by…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRI5nrWtWv8

    …DISCLAIMER FOR THE CHALLENGED:

  • As the Disq Turns: Episode 2

    This time on As the Disq Turns…

    Even though Grandma Moses was given a slap on the wrist by the police and was released on her own recognizance, she was so traumatized by the incident in our last episode that she decides to stand in the town square and accuse random passers-by of plotting against her. Of course, the random passers-by have no clue what they’re being accused of and ignore her, inciting her anger even further. In fit of rage, she attempts to set a local shop on fire while yelling something about “evil pets”. She is immediately taken to the local asylum, where she’s placed in a ward with the other paranoid delusional patients.

    She quickly befriends London Bridges, a patient who believes she’s a psychiatrist who’s being held there against her will by the same forces that have entrapped Grandma Moses. Little does Grandma Moses know that London is just a clerk who worked at the local Circle-K, where she liked to drown rats in the ICEE machine for fun.

    Her other bestie in the joint is Tex, who thinks he’s a cowboy, spends all day in a straitjacket, and drools on himself.

    Across town, the good Reverend Oral Subconscious, lonely because he’s been kicked out of too many houses he was never invited into in the first place, has been visiting a psychic. Professor Marvel, as the psychic likes to call himself, has been slowly bamboozling the Reverend out of all of his money by purporting to be able to provide “super secret information” on his enemies by using a robot he built himself. Unfortunately for the Reverend, the information the Professor provides is what’s already available to anyone who wants to bother to look for it and the “robot” is merely a cardboard cutout through which the Professor throws his own voice. The Reverend, however, parts with his money and personal information with a smile on his face, happy in the vain prospect of one day being able to again force his bullshit on a bunch of people who give no fucks whatsoever.

    The homeless woman who believes she invented the internet is still screeching on her streetcorner and insisting that she’s Queen of the World. In her shopping cart, under the crumpled newspapers, is an old photo — it’s of her and her long-lost twin sister, Grandma Moses, and their pet pig, Chevy. Neither of them know the other is alive. As children, they were separated by an evil drug cartel. Chevy was forced to make neverending, pointless remarks in response to normal conversations until he was eventually shot and cooked for breakfast.

    Up in heaven, Jesus looks down on all of this and is sad. He decides to dress down and go forth and interview the common folk for a while on Earth. Little does he realize this is much more difficult and annoying than it looks.

    Meanwhile, in his mother’s nondescript basement plastered with girly pics on the walls, Limp Mongoose plots his revenge against the person or persons responsible for killing the world’s dumbest Secret Agent, as soon as he can figure out who did it.

    Tune in next time to find out what happens on As the Disq Turns! Brought to you by NUKEM!

  • The Archive is Open!

    The Archive is Open!

    In case you missed it, the As the Disq Turns Archive is now up and running!

    SEE the constant butthurt of trolls!

    HEAR their incessant whining that started it all!

    TASTE the rainbow of utter stupidity!

    SMELL the teen spirit!

    FEEL the nostalgia!

    Visit the As the Disq Turns Archive today! Now with more downvotes!