Category: Satire

I’m just a helpless girl in a big ‘ol world with no white knights to protect me!

*sniffles*

*hocks a loogie*

*looks in the tissue*

All I’m doing is posting adorable cat pics like these!
Now available at the ATDT shop!

OMG look how cute!

And this one, too!
Also available at the ATDT shop!

Why does everyone hate kitties so much? It must be them that’s the problem. I’m a wonderful person, even with all my blatant mental and emotional issues that I deny I have by posting a shitton of shitty music videos and pretending to miss the point!

Here, let me change the subject by posting about some other nonsense no one gives a fuck about like the cucumbers growing in my garden (by which I totally mean that I want some dick) and pretending to get along with people who previously doxxed me because it serves my current purposes (and I totally want some dick).

Yes you are, Meaka. Yes you are. And so’s your little dog JOS, too!

In an attempt to give our haters a voice, we here at ATDT have decided to start a new section called “Whiner’s Voices”, in which we ask a question and let our most vocal whiners answer it.

Question: Why do you keep visiting As the Disq Turns if you hate it so much? Answers:

What should we ask our fans next time? Let us know!

You can now share your obsession with As the Disq Turns with the whole world by purchasing real life AtDT swag! That’s right! You can rub a piece of AtDT against your body in the privacy of your own basement dwelling!

Have you been obsessively whining about everything that happens on this channel since channel creation began on Disqus? Are you still whining even though channels are gone? Then buy yourself one of these, and own your whiny nostalgia forever!

The ATDT Classic T-Shirt, perfect for wiping the drool off your chin with after falling asleep while trying to update your VPN

Are you still butthurt that I banned you? Are you upset that I banned you again because you thought that with a whole new website we’d all be best buds even though you’re still a piece of shit? Well, this one’s for you!
Our best seller!

Are you bitter that the little emoji stars didn’t magically disappear (yet)? Well, you can pretend you have one with one of these bad boys!
It’s true!

Make sure to carry the tote with you at all times and get yourself the pillow to fondle in the privacy of your own bedroom!

Make sure to bookmark https://www.teepublic.com/user/asthedisqturns to obsessively check for new and exciting designs and whine about them!

As my esteemed colleagues already know, the Disqus Home experiment recently concluded after approximately 3 years. An summary of our study methodology and results follows:

We investigated whether a group of commenters known for their constant demonstrated antisocial behavior (such as racism, sexism, general trolling, etc) who we designated as “MALCONTENTS” for study purposes, would eventually go insane when presented with various obstacles. In the first phase of the study, all participants (control group + malcontents) were told they would be allowed to create “channels” (i.e. no-charge discussion sites) on Disqus Home to discuss whatever they’d like, after having been exposed to the very few channels created and run by Disqus Corporate. Channels created by users immediately fell into the following categories:

To further along the experiment, we then designated random users as “All Stars”, gave them a star emoji in front of their usernames, and introduced them to the community as being “star posters that you should know”. Malcontents reactions can be summed up thusly:

Even though the malcontents started threatening to leave Disqus, the creation of All Stars apparently wasn’t enough to get them motivated to do so. At this point, Disqus announced its Hate Speech policy, after which several malcontents’ accounts were removed. However, this was not enough to deter them making new accounts over and over again (aka “sockpuppeting”), like a form of OCD, even though they supposedly hated Disqus so much. The most egregious example of this was a malcontent we will refer to as “mahatmashitbag”, who had over 100 sock accounts which he used to talk to and upvote himself. [Please refer to our other paper, “When Multiple Personality Disorder Strikes – Nuke It “, to be published next month after peer review.]

In conclusion, the commenters tested were too far gone before testing, and the Disqus system did not allow for stemming the tide of creation of multiple accounts by a single user, therefore all the results of this experiment are moot. We will start our revised experiment on our new testing ground, known as “realms”, starting immediately.